God says...

25:43 David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel; and they were also both of
them his wives.

25:44 But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti
the son of Laish, which was of Gallim.

26:1 And the Ziphites came unto Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David
hide himself in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon? 26:2
Then Saul arose, and went down to the wilderness of Ziph, having three
thousand chosen men of Israel with him, to seek David in the
wilderness of Ziph.

26:3 And Saul pitched in the hill of Hachilah, which is before
Jeshimon, by the way. But David abode in the wilderness, and he saw
that Saul came after him into the wilderness.

26:4 David therefore sent out spies, and understood that Saul was come
in very deed.

----

Mentioned hills, like Boston. Very Dead.

God says...
limbs concubine tediousness you_think_you_could_do_better
abler fountain deceiving raised transported gradation
dinner thunderest position hurrying hail scourgedst sudden
Dudly_Doright Instantly wildness copy conveyedst Alypius
incensed know separated Cup Bulgaria glowing be_happy
superstition inclined But- Deity notions evening Jew Trinity
knit sorrow after-ages hour harvest immediately lost allegorically
Tomorrow envy perishable Almighty grief deceitful courage
influenced naughty courses overjoyed fall equals you're_nuts
leading conclude Unity

----

You get hair cuts, God?

God says...

hearken to me, to walk in my law, which I have set before you, 26:5 To
hearken to the words of my servants the prophets, whom I sent unto
you, both rising up early, and sending them, but ye have not
hearkened; 26:6 Then will I make this house like Shiloh, and will make
this city a curse to all the nations of the earth.

26:7 So the priests and the prophets and all the people heard Jeremiah
speaking these words in the house of the LORD.

26:8 Now it came to pass, when Jeremiah had made an end of speaking
all that the LORD had commanded him to speak unto all the people, that
the priests and the prophets and all the people took him, saying, Thou
shalt surely die.

26:9 Why hast thou prophesied in the name of the LORD, saying, This
house shall be like Shiloh, and this city shall be desolate without an
inhabitant? And all the people were gathered against Jeremiah in the
house of the LORD.

26:10 When the princes of Judah heard these things, then they came up
from the king's house unto the house of the LORD, and sat down in the
entry of the new gate of the LORD's house.

----

"Walk this way"

Your law says short hair for men.

Did Jesus have long hair?

God says...

knowledge of God: I speak this to your shame.

15:35 But some man will say, How are the dead raised up? and with what
body do they come? 15:36 Thou fool, that which thou sowest is not
quickened, except it die: 15:37 And that which thou sowest, thou
sowest not that body that shall be, but bare grain, it may chance of
wheat, or of some other grain: 15:38 But God giveth it a body as it
hath pleased him, and to every seed his own body.

15:39 All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh
of men, another flesh of beasts, another of fishes, and another of
birds.

15:40 There are also celestial bodies, and bodies terrestrial: but the
glory of the celestial is one, and the glory of the terrestrial is
another.

15:41 There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon,
and another glory of the stars: for one star differeth from another
star in glory.

----

You think marathons are gay, God?

God says...

Moses said, We will go with our young and with our old, with our sons
and with our daughters, with our flocks and with our herds will we go;
for we must hold a feast unto the LORD.

10:10 And he said unto them, Let the LORD be so with you, as I will
let you go, and your little ones: look to it; for evil is before you.

10:11 Not so: go now ye that are men, and serve the LORD; for that ye
did desire. And they were driven out from Pharaoh's presence.

10:12 And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the
land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land of
Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath
left.

10:13 And Moses stretched forth his rod over the land of Egypt, and
the LORD brought an east wind upon the land all that day, and all that
night; and when it was morning, the east wind brought the locusts.

----

(Locusts are like marathons. LOL)

What's Yer favorite marathon?

God says...

trembled.

97:5 The hills melted like wax at the presence of the LORD, at the
presence of the Lord of the whole earth.

97:6 The heavens declare his righteousness, and all the people see his
glory.

97:7 Confounded be all they that serve graven images, that boast
themselves of idols: worship him, all ye gods.

97:8 Zion heard, and was glad; and the daughters of Judah rejoiced
because of thy judgments, O LORD.

97:9 For thou, LORD, art high above all the earth: thou art exalted
far above all gods.

97:10 Ye that love the LORD, hate evil: he preserveth the souls of his
saints; he delivereth them out of the hand of the wicked.

----

Praise You for dolphins.

http://fishingrodcases.org/dolphin-assisted-fishing/#

God says...

5:15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on
a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good
works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I
am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or
one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

5:19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments,
and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of
heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be
called great in the kingdom of heaven.

5:20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed
the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case
enter into the kingdom of heaven.

----

A candle under a bushel is like a net.

They talking to me? Anybody talking to You? What's the funniest thing You heard in prayer today?

God says...
shall be a statute for ever in your generations concerning the
offerings of the LORD made by fire: every one that toucheth them shall
be holy.

6:19 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, 6:20 This is the offering
of Aaron and of his sons, which they shall offer unto the LORD in the
day when he is anointed; the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for
a meat offering perpetual, half of it in the morning, and half thereof
at night.

6:21 In a pan it shall be made with oil; and when it is baken, thou
shalt bring it in: and the baken pieces of the meat offering shalt
thou offer for a sweet savour unto the LORD.

6:22 And the priest of his sons that is anointed in his stead shall
offer it: it is a statute for ever unto the LORD; it shall be wholly
burnt.

----

What is the funniest thing about Catholic rituals?

God says..

66:1 Make a joyful noise unto God, all ye lands:

66:2 Sing forth the honour of his name: make his praise glorious.

66:3 Say unto God, How terrible art thou in thy works! through the
greatness of thy power shall thine enemies submit themselves unto
thee.

66:4 All the earth shall worship thee, and shall sing unto thee; they
shall sing to thy name. Selah.

66:5 Come and see the works of God: he is terrible in his doing toward
the children of men.

66:6 He turned the sea into dry land: they went through the flood on
foot: there did we rejoice in him.

66:7 He ruleth by his power for ever; his eyes behold the nations: let
not the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah.

----

I fed the outside berds.

God says...

6:14 And king Herod heard of him; (for his name was spread abroad:)
and he said, That John the Baptist was risen from the dead, and
therefore mighty works do shew forth themselves in him.

6:15 Others said, That it is Elias. And others said, That it is a
prophet, or as one of the prophets.

6:16 But when Herod heard thereof, he said, It is John, whom I
beheaded: he is risen from the dead.

6:17 For Herod himself had sent forth and laid hold upon John, and
bound him in prison for Herodias' sake, his brother Philip's wife: for
he had married her.

6:18 For John had said unto Herod, It is not lawful for thee to have
thy brother's wife.

----

I scooped with a plastic butter keg and one climbed in the seedbin and ... beheading is kinda funny.

----

Jesus said You feed birds. What animal takes the most attention?

God says...
man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and
thy fifty.

And there came down fire from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty.

1:11 Again also he sent unto him another captain of fifty with his
fifty.

And he answered and said unto him, O man of God, thus hath the king
said, Come down quickly.

1:12 And Elijah answered and said unto them, If I be a man of God, let
fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. And the
fire of God came down from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty.

1:13 And he sent again a captain of the third fifty with his fifty.
And the third captain of fifty went up, and came and fell on his knees
before Elijah, and besought him, and said unto him, O man of God, I
pray thee, let my life, and the life of these fifty thy servants, be
precious in thy sight.

----

(50 pigeons... maybe ones after natural selection are precious.)

That sounds like arrial bombing!

God says...
trembled defends grave's Victor greedy issued ken

----

Got any new designs for helicopters?

God says...

Mordecai, the son of Jair, the son of Shimei, the son of Kish, a
Benjamite; 2:6 Who had been carried away from Jerusalem with the
captivity which had been carried away with Jeconiah king of Judah,
whom Nebuchadnezzar the king of Babylon had carried away.

2:7 And he brought up Hadassah, that is, Esther, his uncle's daughter:
for she had neither father nor mother, and the maid was fair and
beautiful; whom Mordecai, when her father and mother were dead, took
for his own daughter.

2:8 So it came to pass, when the king's commandment and his decree was
heard, and when many maidens were gathered together unto Shushan the
palace, to the custody of Hegai, that Esther was brought also unto the
king's house, to the custody of Hegai, keeper of the women.

----

("Carried away")

If Jesus were a cop, tell some stories.

God says...

shalt receive thy sisters, thine elder and thy younger: and I will
give them unto thee for daughters, but not by thy covenant.

16:62 And I will establish my covenant with thee; and thou shalt know
that I am the LORD: 16:63 That thou mayest remember, and be
confounded, and never open thy mouth any more because of thy shame,
when I am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done, saith the
Lord GOD.

17:1 And the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, 17:2 Son of man,
put forth a riddle, and speak a parable unto the house of Israel; 17:3
And say, Thus saith the Lord GOD; A great eagle with great wings,
longwinged, full of feathers, which had divers colours, came unto
Lebanon, and took the highest branch of the cedar: 17:4 He cropped off
the top of his young twigs, and carried it into a land of traffick; he
set it in a city of merchants.

17:5 He took also of the seed of the land, and planted it in a
fruitful field; he placed it by great waters, and set it as a willow
tree.