Christ, what an asshole.

"An annual web poll shows that once again, Electronic Arts will be named the "Worst Company in America".

We at EA understand that we provide a lightning rod for many in an industry that has undergone massive change and experienced a great deal of consolidation. We've acquired beloved game developers, we've put storied franchises to rest, and we've sheparded evolutions in gameplay and game design that have been met with skepticism and rejection.

But please believe, we're on the player's side.

Tens of thousands of EA employees show up to work every day to create incredible new experiences and polish fantastic new things that the world has never seen.

You, your family, and your friends entrust us with time, attention, and money in return for fantastic experiences with characters you love and places that are realer than real. It's an honor to work in this industry.

We love these shared stories and adventures, and truly understand what makes videogaming special to hundreds of millions of people every day.

That said, we are a business, and all businessess will make mistakes, fail to meet expectations, and poorly communicate. We're no different.

XXX EXAMPLES XXX

Videogames are unique in that the business environment changes more in six months than most other industries change in decades, and we've struggled to adapt to the new realities just like hundreds of other videogame developers.

We feel it's essential that we have an online content distribution system of our own, called Origin. It's clear that we've fallen painfully short of industry standards in terms of technical execution and customer service, and we most certainly are not meeting our own expectations.

XXX INSERT HONEST FIXES HERE XXX

We also feel that we're failing to incorporate our customer's frustrations, concerns, and desires into the development of our franchises. When some player were disappointed with Mass Effect 3, they had nowhere to voice their opinions where they felt they would be heard.

Thus, as of this week we will be employing ombudsmen for each of our major franchises. They'll be superfans who know the games inside and out, and their sole responsibility will be to communicate with you about what's happening with the development and care of your favorite series and franchises.

FIFA - @Matthiew
Mass Effect - @Jennifer
SIMCITY - @Alyssa

XXX ETCETERA XXX

Feel free to vent, praise, be angry, you name it. They'll be listening. But always be respectful. We're here to have a good time together.

Finally, we understand that server shutdowns are a necessary part of the life of any game. No party goes on forever. But we don't want to shut off the lights too early, and we don't want customers to wonder how long the game they've just purchased will be fully functional and connected.

So today we're instituting a 3 year server guarantee on every network-aware and network-based videogame we sell. You can purchase an EA game and rest assured that you'll have friends to go on adventures with for a long long time.

For what we've failed in, we are truly sorry. We strive to delight one and all, but we can never be perfect. For those who feel we can never do right, you'll find dozens of other talented studios who you can have a more fruitful relationship with.

We don't feel there's any shame in being #1, but we do feel there's a great responsibility in it.

Let us bring you the best games on Earth, tell us plainly and clearly when we're not meeting that expectation, and let's all have fun together.

- EA CEO WHATEVER"

I wrote this in literally twelve fucking minutes. What a prick.