Same - I've felt like that for the last 4 years, a few big events shocking yourself into a self reality that you're not really where you want to be, and every day you think about it and it fucking hurts... I have no advice cause I still haven't gotten out.

It was fine when you were younger and you said to yourself that one day it'll work out... cause it always does. Whether it's the gold medal, job, girl, song, music career, as long as it was in the future, that gives you a little comfort in thinking, well I'm not there now, but maybe later. There's a point where you realize... you're never getting there.

That fuckin hurts.

All i know is the pain usually comes from that gap, the gap between where you are, and where you want to be, and how you see NO way to get to it. All those fallacies of 'work hard, apply yourself' aren't working, they've worked in other areas of your life but there's just things you've lost that you'll never reach again, completely out of your control. Whether it's because of your race, your starting circumstances, a disability, your genes, your parents, your timing, whatever it's out of your control.

All I can say this is a lot more common than you think.

I'm guessing you're in Tech as this is hackernews, stop for a moment and have a look at fighters and athletes.

They suffer from exactly the same thing and on top of that their stretch is usually never more than 4 or 5 years... There's a moment in their career where no matter how many hours they put in the gym, on the bike, on the road, in the pool, they'll never be at the top, never, they start drinking... and it's game over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjvzJO-6ESc

Rickson Gracie is an absolute legend... he has a couple of quotes in there, about really wanting the win, after so much training, effort, and dedication, while at the same time, not really wanting it. It's a strange paradox. He's closed one chapter of his life and moved on to something else

"I don’t think about competing, I’ve competed my whole life. Why would I want to compete anymore? So that’s out of the question. The fans are the ones who just don’t understand, and the fans who would like to see me fight, are just going to have to live with it. Unfortunately, that’s the way it is. I don’t live and I’ve never lived by someone else’s expectations. I never fought for the fans. I always fought to honor my Jiu-Jitsu and my family. Now there are others to do that. Competition is over, it’s behind me now. I don’t want to move forward thinking about competing. I want to go forward thinking of supporting society, setting a good example for kids, teaching children to become better people, not hitting machines, as there is in MMA today. I am the philosophy of Jiu-Jitsu, the philosophy of good relationships between dads and sons, between respect, discipline, and honor… All these things that have made me what I am and have really stood out in my life. No longer a victory or a possible defeat. I think I can live without the money I could make. But I can’t live knowing that because of the money I got in there and lost. I’d be fighting for the money and that in itself brings a loss to me. I never fought for money. So, I’m not going to start now"

He looks kinda happy... who the fuck knows...

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Artists are the same, if you're not deluded, you'll never be Raphael or Vermeer, never, and you have to deal with that every day. I guess the trick is about turning that gap into ambition and something creative, using it to drive you forwards into something constructive.

Like you say the rational part of you kicks in after a week or two when you realize those steps you're taking aren't really getting you there.

Good luck !