Wow. Hello me?

I've been dealing with a lot of the same issues and regretting my past and hating myself for the decisions I've made.

Recently I've been working on realizing that my self-worth is not based on anything I've done. My/your self-worth is entirely based on my/your confidence in myself/yourself that I/you can do whatever we put ourselves too. No arguments! No debate based upon what has happened in the past! None of that!

Now, I know that is much easier said than done. Trust me, I know.

For what it's worth, I would get very anxious about working on anything either because I would be afraid of failing, being judged, or just because I haven't been able to do it in the past. This caused me to get very depressed, in the medical sense of the word, I've been seeing a psychologist for a little over a year now. My doctor recommended a book, "The Now Habit" which helped me learn how to schedule better and gave me a little insight into, what had become, habitual anxiety and procrastination. Combined with monthly talk sessions I've been able to remove a lot of the anxious and depressed feelings, which allows me to focus on my view of myself.

Eventually, after I almost lost my job and my grandmother died, he put me on a low-dose SSRI. It has helped immensely. It hasn't affected the highs in life, but it dampens the lows.

(I only started seeing a doctor after I saw how my depression was affecting my, the girlfriend, now wife. Not after it ruined a company I was starting and my college education. I wish I had gone earlier, but I was convinced that it was something I could solve on my own.)

This has, honestly, been the hardest part. I've struggled with the anxiety for a while. Recently, however, I found that reading is a way for me to relax. I used to try Hacker News or Reddit, but neither of those felt fulfilling. I would try programming and felt bad that I would work on a project that isn't important. Then I started reading again.

Reading has allowed me to settle down internally and then I can sit and do what I was anxious about. It may help that the first book I've pulled out is "Failure Is Not an Option: Mission Control From Mercury to Apollo 13 and Beyond" by Gene Kranz. It covers the history of the space program, a subject that really interests me, but has also been a rallying cry for me. Mr. Kranz talks about the successes and failures of the early program, and how they moved forward after a setback.

My rallying cry has been "Tough and Competent," from the Kranz Dictum after the Apollo 1 fire (excerpt to follow):

"From this day forward, Flight Control will be known by two words: 'Tough and Competent.’

Tough means we are forever accountable for what we do and what we fail to do. We will never again compromise our responsibilities. Every time we walk into Mission Control we will know what we stand for.

Competent means we will never take anything for granted. We will never be found short in our knowledge and in our skills. Mission Control will be perfect."

"Tough and Competent" reminds me that it is possible to move forward and become better than what you were without forgetting what has happened or sweeping it under the rug.

From there I've started working on some of Pratchet's Discworld series again. I only note this because it doesn't all have to motivational books, but I think I lucked out picking that one first.