PLEASE GET PROFESSIONAL HELP FROM ANOTHER DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY.

Here's the framework I see; recent startup founder + therapy for seven years + abused as a child + ten pills per day.

This alone screams for professional help. I don't think that a fellow entrepreneur can help solve all of your problems. There's also the danger of making it worst because of not having any training on how to deal with your framework.

Now to be a little helpful:

What I don't see is a description of your circumstances beyond that:

- How old are you?
- Where do you live? (city)
- Do you live alone?
- Do you work where you live or do you get up in the
morning to go to another location?
- Do you have family nearby?
- Are they supportive in any way?
- Do you have other friends outside of the startup?
- What does your day look like?
- Do you or have you had any hobbies?
- Do you spend a lot of time playing games?
- If you do. Are you affected emotionally by the game's outcome?
- What do you eat and when?
- Are you overweight?
- If so. How do you feel about it?
- Do you have a girfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband?
- If so. How is that relationship?
- What's your financial situation?
- What are your goals?
- How quickly did you expect to achieve these goals?
- What does your work environment look like?
(dark, light, windows, comfortable, etc.)
- What does your daily work routine look like?
- Is there a routine?
- What do you do in the weekends?
- Who do you socialize with outside of work?
- Do you drink?

The list isn't exhaustive. I am not a therapist, not even close. As an entrepreneur I have navigated depression from time to time. It can be ugly and paralyzing. It also is very personal. That's why a lot more information is needed to really understand you and how you go in and out of that state.

From personal experience I can tell you that it helps to have what I have come to call "non-maskable interrupts". In my case this came in the form of my kids. It's pretty hard to focus on being miserable when your little one's push and pull you into their world. It's great.

If you don't have this option then you have to find another interrupt source. This means focusing your energy and thoughts on another activity not related to work.

Martial arts class can be great. A good class can dissolve away the stress of a days' worth of troubles within a short hour. On top of that you are getting exercise which by itself should make you feel better.

Gyms can suck. If you can find a friend who'd like to go to the gym with you this could be a good exercise + social option.

Swimming. If you don't know how to swim, join a group and learn. I don't know if you are in the US or not. In the US there's something called US Masters Swimming (usmg.org). They have groups everywhere. Sign-up and get in a pool. For me, there's nothing like swimming a 1500m or 3000m run. I come out of the pool like a newborn.

Get a dog. The therapeutic value of dogs is well proven. Also, puppies, just like kids, have a unique ability to shift your mind's focus away from you and onto them. Research the breed a little. If you are the type, get into training. I have always had German Shepherd Dogs and have always enjoyed training them (research: schutzhund). GSD's are not for everyone. A good pet dog like a Labrador could do wonders for you. There are professional organizations that deal in therapy dogs who can advise you based on your circumstances and needs.

Notice that every suggestion I've made involves disconnecting from work and strongly focusing your energy and attention elsewhere. Physical, outdoor and social activities being another common theme.

I couldn't possibly relate to your child abuse experience or the years of therapy and medicine. I am fortunate in that I have not had to experience any of this. That said, it sure sounds like you need to pivot and go talk to a different therapist. Your current on doesn't seem to be helping you much.

I am one of those people who will do the impossible NOT to introduce any drugs into my body unless there's absolutely no other option. I could not imagine taking ten pills a day just to be able to function. There has to be another way.

Not being a therapist I don't really know if talking to others about your problems will help you or push you deeper into a more dangerous state. That's why I am not inclined to offer to contact you via email. It is very easy to justify feeling worst and use someone else as a bouncing board for those feelings. I really think you need to find a new therapist to talk to immediately.

Then, of course, there's the tough love approach. Unless you suffer from a fundamental chemical imbalance your condition is one that is entirely fabricated by your brain. As such, you can --and should learn to-- control it. I did this with anxiety attacks. They can be nasty. Once you understand how to recognize and deal with the symptoms you can literally talk yourself out of one (or prevent entering it in the first place).

This is where I'll be cheesy and quote Yoda: "Your Focus Determines Your Reality". Print that and tape it where you can see it. What are you focusing on? What reality will that produce? Is that what you want? No? Then change your focus.

The techniques can be simple. If you recognize that you are sliding into a self-lamenting state, get up and go for a brisk walk. Turn up the music. Fucking yell "I am not doing this!". Dance. Do jumping jacks. Whatever it takes. Force your brain to re-focus on something positive.

I wish you the best. This is tough. Reaching out is good. Go get different help. Get a dog. Go swimming. Re-focus.

ABOVE ALL: YOU DEFINITELY NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. YOUR CURRENT THERAPIST IS MISSING SOMETHING. PIVOT. GO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE. GO TALK TO SEVERAL THERAPISTS AND FIND THE BEST ONE.