LANGLEY, Va.—Looking for the holiday gift that screams Beltway insider?

Skip the chintzy T-shirt vendors on the National Mall and head straight to the CIA. Just be ready to provide your social security number and leave enough time to clear multiple layers of security. And bring cash. The agency advises against using traceable forms of payment like credit cards, particularly for customers who do undercover work.

Inside the gift shop at the George Bush Center for Intelligence, customers can pick from an assortment of intelligence-themed merchandise, like “Top Secret” barbecue sauce, “Don’t Spill The Beans” coffee, CIA pillows and a $200 humidor etched with the agency’s iconic seal.

“There’s something for every taste,” said the shop’s executive director Mark Wiggins as he strolled through the store, where a set of shot glasses emblazoned with “Admit Nothing. Deny Everything” sells for $33.99. It isn’t impossible to visit, but it is difficult: You either need to be a CIA employee or know one. Wiggins calls his operation “the best museum store you’ve never seen, because you can’t get in here.”

Federal buildings hide what may be the world’s most exclusive gift shops. Looking for a personalized “Most Wanted” placard? The FBI store has that. Lose your pen? Replace it with one shaped like rifle rounds sold at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. You can buy china at the Transportation Department, bathrobes at the State Department and playing cards at the Justice Department.

The Agriculture Department gift shop had sold out of its popular stress-relief toys shaped like pigs, cows and tractors during a 20% off Christmas sale last week. And while the oven mitts were still available, a customer had just purchased the last apron emblazoned with the USDA Prime beef shield.

“The last person bought it right off the wall,” said Patricia Joyner, who manages the store nestled deep inside the department’s century-old building that covers two city blocks and has 7 miles’ worth of hallways. (A second, bigger store is set to open later.) “I did a $1,000 day yesterday, and an $800 day the day before,” she said.

Half the challenge of shopping at many agency gift shops is finding them.

The Justice Department’s boutique, which opened in February, hides in Rooms 1314 and 1316. If not for an A-frame sign in the hallway advertising its limited hours (Tuesday through Thursday from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.), you might confuse it for a government lawyer’s office and walk right by.

“Are you guys going to restock the sweatshirts in more sizes? I own one, and I’m looking to buy two more,” asked one department employee, who said her parents saw hers with the blue-and-gold eagle emblem and demanded their own.

The Justice Department store has grown so popular with attorneys, school groups and other authorized visitors that it expanded to two rooms, said Brenda Beaty, who owns and manages the shop through a law that gives the visually impaired priority in operating vending facilities on federal property.

Proceeds at some of the shops benefit employee health and wellness programs. None of the money goes toward the next counterintelligence investigation or drug bust, though the DEA’s online store sells a bumper sticker that says “Get off the pot” with a marijuana leaf.

Inside the Transportation Department store, which also hides a dry cleaner, employee Alexis Gonzaludo was perusing potential Christmas gifts for her friends and family. There are DOT clocks, Zippo lighters, polo shirts and even hard hats bearing the agency’s identifiable triskelion.

Probably not compliant with Occupation Safety and Health Administration standards, she quipped, “but a fashion statement for sure.”

On a recent Friday, the FBI’s gift shop in the hulking Hoover Building was mobbed with customers, mostly employees or visitors to the bureau’s museum, which requires the referral of a congressman or another sponsor to get in.

Samantha Shero, a public affairs officer, bought the 2025 K-9 calendar featuring the bureau’s working dogs. She also picked up her 16th FBI Christmas ornament, one for every year she has worked there.

This year’s ornament depicts K-9s Wally and Gio sticking their heads out of the back of an FBI branded SUV. It was designed by Dennis Amaral, who has been running the store for 30 years.

Amaral carefully curates products with an eye to both taste and safety. The FBI ball caps with bright gold letters sewn on the front are fine to sell because they don’t look exactly like what agents wear. But you won’t find FBI raid jackets or overly realistic badges in the store. The same goes for letterhead stationery, which can’t be sold at the FBI or CIA.

“I’m really concerned about misrepresentation,” said Amaral, who consults with ethics officials on what he sells. Investigators, he said, more than once called when they spotted a suspect wearing an FBI hat. They wanted to know if it came from the official store or one of the many vendors downtown that peddles cheap knockoffs. “I get aggravated every time I see the [counterfeit] hats,” he said.

Wiggins sometimes runs into Amaral or one of his other gift shop rivals at trade shows for custom swag.

“We’ll see each other out on the floor and just talk smack,” he said.

When Wiggins first arrived at the CIA shop, it was geared toward the older buyer, selling things like fine jewelry, ceramic figurines and lady’s hosiery. Under his stewardship, the store has gotten more in sync with popular trends. After Stanley Quencher tumblers went viral on TikTok, for example, he commissioned a version embossed with the agency’s logo.

Glow-in-the-dark CIA boxers were among the products he discontinued. “It was just too much,” Wiggins said.

But the pink-and-white striped baby onesie that says, “The Result of an Undercover Operation” remains. “That’s just humor.”