I've worked for like a dozen companies full-time. Most people don't know what they're doing. I always thought 'impostor syndrome' was a projection of general insecurity. But I've started to think it's actually the subconscious saying "I'm not sure what's right or wrong, please consult an expert."

I have a fantasy of quitting my job to write books on the [modern] theory and practice of information systems engineering. Not 'how to write software', that's been done; I mean all the forms of engineering around software/information systems. In my dream, I write the books, everyone reads them, and starts doing their jobs right.

But then I remember, I, a person arrogant enough to believe he knows how to do things right, still can't get shit done right. Maybe if I were a one-man company, I could 'do everything right', and feel good about the result. But I depend on an entire company of people to do the right thing, in the right way, at the right time. That's hard even with the best people. No company is made up of the best people. It's always a mix of the best, worst, and in-between.

Strangely, a company can put out a decent product, despite the company being a tire fire. This is some comfort when you get older. You realize that everything being shit is okay, as long as the bills are paid. I have PTSD from when the thing that paid the bills was on fire, every week, for years. Lately at every job I have, I internally panic and scream at how horrible everything is. Because I'm haunted by what might happen. But it's not happening yet. So I muffle the screams, smile and nod along with the stand-up-meeting-cum-status-update.

The sad thing is, I forget that it's okay that the stand-up is shit. I forget that I'm still getting a fat paycheck just to sit in meetings that could have been an e-mail. I forget that, despite the company bleeding cloud costs [no savings plans, RIs, serverless, right-sizing, etc], we seem to be making a profit. Despite the terrible designs, bad process, ineffective leadership, absentee management, lack of security, and all the rest, the bottom line is fine. The shit is fine. Currently, and probably for the unforeseeable future.

I get craftsmanship. I'm a crappy woodworker. I enjoy making things well, and getting better at it. But our jobs are not fine woodworking. Our jobs are construction. We are banging rusted nails into shitty, twisted, racked, cupped, knotty-ass studs. If we're lucky. Yeah, this building is going to be shit. But somebody's still going to pay for it. And there'll be another job after. If we really wanted fine woodworking, we never would have taken this job, and we know it. We'd be struggling to sell a cabinet that took us two 80+ hour weeks, too tired to appreciate its beauty, too defeated by flaws only we notice.

So let's stop beating ourselves up. Let's stop beating each other up. We don't, can't, won't, find meaning in this monument to mediocrity. No comfort from the pain zone. No pride to take home. But we are paying the bills, with more left over than most have. No broken backs and long hours. No lack of health care, no abuse from customers or the public. Not even that big a worry about job security. We are the lucky ones. We are blessed with a golden shovel. So let's do like those blue collar laborers we often idolize, and get to this annoying, bloody awful work that we are blessed with.