It sounds like what you want is a smartphone.

> Give me a large sunlight-readable touchscreen, with multitouch. Also GPS, WiFi, Bluetooth, and 5G/LTE for connectivity and geotagging. Add automatic uploads to Google Photos, iPhoto, WebDAV, etc. Put in a small editor for on-device photo touchups.

Most newer cameras have _many_ of these, minus integration with Google Photos, iPhoto, or WebDAV, and cellular connectivity since many areas of photography just wouldn't benefit from it enough to justify the extra cost, complexity, and battery life hit.

Many newer cameras also have smartphone control, with varying levels of actual usability, but that's a separate issue.

> Put in a small editor for on-device photo touchups

An editor with any amount of value-add for the kind of person who still buys a standalone camera would be pretty big in storage and would likely be painfully slow; for me, on a 2019 Macbook Pro, Lightroom is consistently a pretty heavy app to run (to say nothing of Photoshop proper).

> Also, ditch the old-timey film-camera look. I don't need 15 physical switches, most of which should be automatic anyway.

As others have said: a good haptic interface is essential for most shooting styles, and many of the settings do have automatic modes, but a big selling point of standalone cameras is that they allow you to express yourself creatively by exposing these manual controls to you.

Wanna take a picture of a waterfall at dawn? Throw your master mode and ISO into auto and you'll probably get a really nice shot of a waterfall. But what if you want to blur the water so it looks like white streaks? There's not an auto setting that can just infer that for you. With a good haptic interface you'll be able to set that up in the dark, or in the cold while wearing gloves, or in the wind or on rough terrain where it might be tricky to keep your hands steady over a touchscreen.

If you're shooting at an airshow, what balance do you want between shutter speed and ISO to balance crispness with the appearance of motion? With a good haptic interface you'll be able to configure that while following a jet through a long lens.

> A physical button for the shutter and an analog knob for fine tuning are fine, but I don't need a manual switch for AF/MF. Or a "shutter delay" selector that is too easy to accidentally bump.

Fortunately, there's a class of devices where these needs and gripes are served well: smartphones. The default camera apps and even some higher-end camera apps loaded onto modern smartphones are immensely powerful at making good shots with minimal effort.

Having said all that: smartphones are usually excellent cameras, and arguably _much more than enough_ for the average person, but if you want to break out of using the bog-standard auto settings, interfaces get tricky, annoying, and even in the best case can be difficult to work with. Halide, for example, is great in general, but struggles with short focus (much more than the stock iOS camera app) for some reason; it provides a manual focus slider to work around that, but for nearby scenes with a shallow FOV, you'd usually want a hold-to-keep-in-focus or even an AF-C setting.

Dedicated cameras -- and especially ILCs -- target a different audience with different goals. What you get is, relatively speaking, uncompromising flexibility and an ability to support a wide range of artistic visions, though often with a learning curve tied to it.

So, I'll ask you a followup: what do you want out of a camera that a phone can't get you?