Story time. Long time lurker, first time writer. Please be gentle if i make formatting mistakes and correct me how to do it properly!

I had what you could call psychotic episode 3 years ago. It started by hearing faint voices from neighbours apartment (not necesserarily talking about me, but regular everyday stuff.)

I did not realise at the moment it was psychotic episode thing, i thought i just heared background noises. Mind you my current apartment was very well sound proofed but. i shrugged that off easily (voice can travel via air vents and so son).

So after couple of months i went on this electronic music festival in the woods (medium size forest festival in Finland) and in there i started hearing "other people" (whom i/we did not know) talking about me and my current fiance when we were in out tent.

First i thought it was my friends joking, but then realized it is not the case. This is where i got kinda anxious and my SO understood that something is wrong and luckily got me some medication for getting sleep (Clonazepin).

After that i stayed at the tent for the end of the festival (luckily only for one day) and was paranoid that people were talking about me and my fiance and felt very anxious about the whole situation. After couple of days when we arrived back at home it started getting more serious overtone.

Sidenote: I did not do mind altering drugs at the festival. I was there building the festival and its music stages and planned to enjoy festival after the work was done.

So these extra voices continued to haunt me back at home too.

First they were malicious in their intend, trying to spook me first in very very mundane things (did you forget to pay parking ticket etc) and then started to proceed to more deeper things like my life choices / regrets i might have had and so on.

They also told me that there are cameras in next side building filming me (did not really believe this). They also tried to convince me that they are actually gods and that i could too become god if i would kill myself. I laughed to this idea and told them that i am happy being human and would never wanna be god and/or like them.

This whole voice thing affected my possibility to get to sleep, so i could not sleep for 3-4 days in a row and that just worsened the situation, problem was not necessarily the amount of extra voices but sleep deprivation lowered my capacity to handle the criticism, ignore the things voices tol me, put things in more realistic perspective or try to reason with the voices.

So at this point i decided it is time to get some professional help and listed myself in an mental ward for evaluation. I was there for 3 weeks and they started me on some basic antipsychotics and sleeping aids that they usually give for first time psychotic breaks and i managed to get somewhat proper sleep but the voice symptoms did not go away.

After 3 weeks i got out from the hospital (with open ticket to comeback as soon as i feel like it) still hearing the voices in my head, but had medication with me (that really did not help at all, just made me emotionally numb).

During next 1-1.5 years i went through multiple different typical and atypical antipsychotic medications and none of them gave any relief for the hallucinations. At this point the hallucinations started appearing in visual field too.

I have aphantasia so the visual hallucinations appearing when i closed my eyes were very non clear, more like black on black shades. Like i could see shadows morphing to different shapes like humans running through my vision field, human shaped things holding guns, some alien like creatures and so on. Once there even was a boomer for left for dead gameseries and conehead esque figures (that was kinda funny). It was like they were trying to intimidate me believing they were aliens. Oh and i have never seen Conehead movie btw.

Some times eyes open i even saw pretty nicely "rendered" 3d hologram koi fishes floating on my ceiling and other pretty amazing visuazinery. The holograms were made of tiny blue dots and if they pop out from the surface i could push my hand through em and if i tilted my viewpoint the hologram would also tilt (so i could look at the back and/or sides of them).

Weirdly when these eye open visual come to play the voices were very nicely to me and told me that "this is just a play and or playing" and it kinda felt like they were just showing me cool things they can do. It did not feel malicious at the time. More like a show off of a skills.

These voiced entities (which there was multiple at the time, like 10 or so) showed me amazing sights projected on the ceilings and i would chit chat with them about them sometimes in wonder of the imagenary. (at this point me overall reaction to this started to became more mundane than scared because they were not aggressive towards me).

So some days after this event i went to see my parents (whom i have very good relations with) for a week and there stuff turned pretty evil. The sounds started to tell me that i should kill my self to be reborn as god or kill my parents to become a god.

This is of course refused because even i was experiencing psychotic hallucinations i was not psychotic or manic, granted i was sleep deprived but not "crazy" and did not think of doing anything stupid, was just really really tired. This was the second time i went to psychic ward because i really needed some strong medication to get sleep. I was there for 4-5 days and got out feeling better.