I'm glad it was chewy! My personal 0th law is that everyone is entitled to the best version of arguments/information possible, so I do try to be able to steelman/articulate the arguments of people I disagree with as faithfully as possible.

I can't agree with transgression being a key component of queerness, but there's an asterisk to my disagreement: I think that could be a plausible reading if we split the gay community from the queer community, but I also think that's both unlikely to happen and a terrible idea.

The reason that I disagree is because it leads to situations where a bisexual woman who's only had relationships with men is 'queerer' than a lesbian if the lesbian lives somewhere that isn't homophobic or the bisexual woman has the 'right' politics. There are also logistical problems/concerns with defining the queer community based on transgression that would prohibit the community from performing what I see as key functions of the queer community:

* Support for young queer people and queer elders, as well as disabled queer people. There are many, many issues with queer elders, for example. Transgression is often limited to people with time and independence to transgress (or for whom the trade offs aren't as severe). A community defined on transgression is necessarily one that won't support its members throughout their entire lives and will be overly weighed with the concerns of adolescents and young adults. Adolescents and young adults definitely have a place: As a group, they're the best at raising hell about things we've all accepted that actually aren't okay, and the best at reminding us that change is possible. However, they aren't the only people who have a place. I knew I was gay when I was 6 and started hanging out in queer spaces online at about that age. How transgressive could I be at six? On the flipside, how transgressive can an 84 year old man who was put in a nursing home by his homophobic kids and now can't see his lover of 30 years be if he lacks the independence to leave? Likewise, many disabled people can't work and can only collect SSI, which usually means they have to live with relatives. Sometimes those relatives are homophobic/transphobic and they can't be transgressive without risking literal death (homelessness and severe disability are not a good combination).

* The queer community has a practical role for homosexuals and trans people: Facilitating places where we can meet prospective partners is one example. As a gay woman, it's really hard to find partners out and about because...well, most people are straight. Do boring lesbians or gay men not deserve places to meet partners? Likewise, trans people deserve places they can go where they know people won't be transphobic dicks and can meet potential dates that both aren't chasers and that are respectful of their gender identity. A passing trans man with a good, boring job still needs to find a partner that won't flip at the fact that he's not cis, and disclosure in non-queer specific settings is dicey at best and dangerous at worst.

* Personally, I've noticed that communities based on transgression often turn into cults of personality, because whomever is the coolest/most outspoken/most brash sets the temperature, and anyone who objects isn't cool/punk/transgressive enough. This makes it REALLY easy for bad people to get away with things because there's no principle behind the transgression, and that means that a lot of Chesterton's fences are torn down. I'm extremely anti-authoritarian and I still agree there are certain social mores that exist for a reason: for example, the more that you shouldn't involve unconsenting people in your kinks/sex life. Have all the kinks you want, but forcing them into spaces in the name of 'transgression' without consent is bad. Or that erotic conversations shouldn't happen between minors and adults several years older than them. (I phrase it that way because obviously it's fine if a 17 year old and an 18 year old cyber, and I also, because of my 0th law, believe it's fine to provide dry, factual sexual information to minors. I specify erotic for a reason.)

Splitting the communities would solve those problems but introduce new ones:

* Splitting the gay and queer communities would put trans people who value passing and blending in into a very difficult spot. It would suck for them and I don't want things to suck for them.

* It'd create a huge logistical hurdle for trans/queer rights, since a lot of the activist infrastructure was built for the LGB and if you take out the 'let people marry who they love/have families with who they love/live with who they love' aspect of queer activism, straight cis people will relate way less and be less supportive. Most straight people can understand 'I love this person and can't be with them and that makes me sad' more than they can 'I feel a deep seated need to have a vagina/penis'. Unfortunately, relatability is a key aspect in gathering support, tactically speaking. It would be tactical/strategic suicide for the trans and queer community to decouple from the gay community.

I fully agree that hacking isn't ipso facto transgressive. It's people exploiting systems for their own purposes. Those purposes vary widely. I'm sure there are plenty of hacker types in the three letter agencies, which is about as non transgressive as you can get in that they're literally a secret authoritarian arm of the state.