In 2008 I was fascinated with justin.tv, which would later essentially become Twitch. The communities that sprang up around streamers and content creators on that site would foreshadow the double-edged sword of parasocial relationships which have now become commonplace on especially image and video-centered social media like YouTube.

I had built a portable live-streaming setup with an Asus Eee PC 901 with a Logitech USB webcam, and would record to the internal SD card. It was surprisingly capable and shock-proof due to the early internal SSD. I had the Linux variant because it had faster flash storage, but was weirdly partitioned between a fast 4GB and slow 16GB dual-SSD setup. I somehow managed to trim my Windows XP Pro install down to fit in the 4GB partition with nLite and used no swap file but switched to a fixed size swap on a RAM drive from system memory. I was able to get modded BIOS and system tray utilities that allowed for dynamic under- and overclocking and formatted my SD card to appear as internal storage to workaround some issues.

In the end I didn’t reach my goal of a fully mobile livestream setup due to the lack of fast enough mobile data, but it worked serviceably on WiFi of the time.

I had a lot of niche interests and strong opinions loosely held, and desired to use such tools to find my tribe online, as I had not yet moved to SF, and my world travels had so far been to relatively out of the way areas.

Its almost quaint to look back on that project, as all of that and more is now table stakes for even the lowest-end Android phone, and shortly after I moved to SF in 2009, I would get an HTC G1 and would root and stock ROM it with an expanded battery to essentially redo that entire build all over again with a single standalone mobile phone, though the camera quality and app support was lacking. By the time Periscope came around, I had already moved on to some other “current thing” boondoggle tech hobby projects.

I now personally believe that seeking meaning through external acknowledgement and validation is putting the cart before the horse and also neglects both my own expression for its own sake and appreciating others as ends unto themselves rather than means to my own self-actualization and generally am content to keep to myself to the degree that I do, while deepening my appreciation of others as individuals who are largely also just trying to connect, to be seen.

I’ve mellowed out a lot in most ways, and going through all those experiences made me realize I was at the time a kind of misanthropic pick-me who was good enough, good looking and lucky enough, and smart enough to set myself up to fail by optimizing for the wrong outcomes. I knew what I wanted but lacked a long enough view to actually achieve what I wanted in my life, relationships, friendships, or goals. I didn’t do the work, and I felt a misplaced sense of entitlement to rewards I likely deserved but didn’t earn, so even my humble achievements felt hollow. Once I realized that I was the problem and my project was to work on myself first, a lot of my desire to hack tech things together for its own sake took on a more personal focus.

To quote Halt and Catch Fire, computers aren’t the thing; they’re the thing that gets us to the thing. That thing was always true human connection and community. Once I realized that community is the end itself and not just the means to distract myself from my own thoughts, I had a much better understanding of myself and what I needed to do to be my best self. It all began with me.

Wherever you go, there you are, and it’s better to be comfortable being alone and better still to not be alone, so that experiences shared can multiply the concurrent rewards for all involved.

Sorry for the wall of text lol, hopefully that resonates with somebody.