I read your post, David, and I found it very akin to my experiences. In a lot of ways, I am you -- but fast-forwarded fifteen years. I am in the prime of my career now, considered to be one of the best in my rather specialized and intersecting fields of high performance computing and automated malware analysis; I am a Chief Architect of a startup company, engineering manager of a small crackerjack development team, and I am Deaf.

I empathize with the feeling of being the last to know things. Unless it is written via email, IM, or directed at me personally, I do not know it. I have found a company structure that mitigates that particular issue, in that I am part of and leading a remote engineering team. There are no members of the team that share offices, so all communications and 'lunchroom conversations' actually happen over IM, the phone, or in the group chat room.

For a long time, I was just as isolated as you are -- for many years, I was the 'hacker in the corner' that you slid food to under the door, along with tasks to do. I was a security consultant that was given targets to hack, and write reports. But I did very little customer interaction, by intent and design. I am old enough that text relay over a TTY was my only option.

I had a US Robotics modem attached to a Sun Sparcstation in my basement, that was BAUDOT capable. I had GNU screen running, attached to that serial port, and sent the console up to my office. In this way, I was able to answer and make calls from anywhere that I had a SSH connection, including my early text-only RIM Blackberry.

Text relay is awkward and horrible in a lot of ways, and I share your pain. I can trace the turning point in my career when Video Relay Service started being offered over the Internet, along with the early model Sorenson videophones. Because I was able to communicate fluidly via the interpreter, using voice-carry-over, when neccessary, my coworkers started to see me as more of a concrete person.

Because of the doors that Video Relay opened, versus text relay, I was able to emerge from my 'hacker in the corner' persona, and advance to become an extroverted and respected Principal Consultant who managed client engagements.

I have a pretty cool Tandberg/Cisco E20 Videophone on my desk with built in VCO. It has a Bluetooth connection to my hearng aids, so when I dial a number, I get the audio shunted straight to my ears. Further, with the built in VCO, there is no call complexity in voicing for myself. I just pick up the handset, or speak at the screen in speakerphone mode.

When I speak, the other hearing people hear my voice. When the hearing people speak, the sign language interpreter translates what they say; using the contextual and spatial nature of American Sign Language, the interpreter is also able to identify which speaker it is with a body shift. Because there is very little latency versus transcibing, the conversation is natural and fluid.

Two times a week, as engineering manager, I lead the conference call where the engineering team gets together and gives status updates and issues. I also handle client and customer calls that require a personal touch from an engineer.

Reading your post about your frustrations dealing with the phone, I do need to point out that the easiest path is to accomodate the interviewer or other people's request for a phone number. All the services that offer telecommunications access for the deaf are required by the FCC to provide a real and personal number that anyone can dial.

This is the key factor here -- rather than trying to tell them to not use a phone, give them a phone number that is linked to the access service of your choice. This includes CapTel, which is real time transcribing of phone conversations, by an operator that uses dictation. http://www.captel.com/

I know that you do not identify yourself as culturally Deaf, or as a fluent signer, but American Sign Language interpretation provided by a competent video relay service agency that is selective about its staff is far more fluid and latency free than captioned telephone. The interpreter can even indicate in expression if he or she is unsure about the subject matter -- and more importantly, the interpreter can convey the tone of voice that the other person is using at the moment. This is what has allowed me to be an effective consultant, being able to determine emotion, even by proxy.

As far as love, girls, dating, and marriage, I am married to a Deaf/HoH girl myself. I keenly empathize with the frustration that is dating when you are deaf. Dating is supposed to be a nice experience, where you figure out if you're compatible or not. But if you are concentrating so intently on trying to understand the other person on a date, then how can you feel the chemistry or spark that is supposed to happen?

My first date with my eventual wife was a moment of grace, a breath of fresh air. It was the first date that I've ever been on, that I laughed and felt comfortable at. Yes, we were nervous, yes, there were some dialectal and communications difference, but I enjoyed myself and so did she. One date and then another, and I moved to be closer to her, proposed, and married her.

We primarily sign in our household, because it is the communications method that is the most relaxing. When we sign, we do not concentrate, or feel frustrated. When we emerge into the world outside, it is not as terrible a chore to put on our hearing aids and concentrate intently on hearing people -- because we have our retreat and solititude.

You should not choose not to marry a d/Deaf/HoH girl based on how likely it is that you will have deaf or hearing children. The majortiy of Children-of-Deaf-Adults I have met have felt themselves enriched by the experience of being a CODA, of being truly bilingual in a widely different form of communications. They find much to laugh about, in the form of communications. By being CODAs, they are enriched by bilingualism rather than crippled by sign.

I am not advocating against Cued Speech as a primary form of communications; as a matter of fact, when I think about it, Cued Speech has some advantages over sign language when it comes to hearing people. It does not require them to learn an acutal language; it is easier to teach eight handshapes and eight locations around the face. It is also easier to do Cued Speech and speech rather than simultaneously doing American Sign Language and English. Cued Speech is a change of mode rather than a change of language.

The sad reality however is that there will probably never be any form of telecommunications access that used Cued Speech. I would actually use a Cued Speech VRS service if it was available, as it does not require me to merge two linguistic streams in my brain, Spoken English and American Sign Language into a conversational model. And the alternative, CapTel, doesn't have the same sideband communications capabilities or the reduced latency that American Sign Language interpretation offers.

In a nutshell, my message is, there are options to ease your path through life, including Captel, and VRS. Do not exclude love based on deafness.

Let me know when you're done with Hacker School, and we can discuss whether a remote job with us might be a good fit for you. We're doing some of the coolest stuff around over here, building a special-purpose supercomputing cluster.