A friend said something to me years ago that I find more and more wise as time goes on: almost everything is about aesthetics. Any given group of people (a company, a band, an advocacy group, a family) is pursuing its own sense of aesthetics. What does this look like in practice? Let's say using Elasticsearch would save $1M of engineering time and infra costs over using PostgreSQL for search but the people in charge of search have a vague aesthetic belief that Elasticsearch is garbage and they're willing to spend $1M of the company's money to not work with it. Is that nuts? Is that rational? Is that good engineering? Is that judicious use of company resources? Their bosses are the ones who make those decisions.

More frustratingly, this works the other way. You might skunkworks Elasticsearch into your org. You might have cost-saving metrics up the wazoo; you might have multiple engineer testimonials; you might have satisfied customers or growing sales; you might have better velocity metrics; you might have built profitable services on top of it. An Elasticsearch-hating engineer can convince your boss that it's a ticking time bomb--with no evidence whatsoever--and your boss can say, "hey I found out you're using Elasticsearch for all this, which is a big no-no. I love what you're doing here, but you need to migrate to Postgres".

(I know Elasticsearch flunked Jepsen; it's just an example)

You might think a few things:

- can't I show all my successes and change hearts and minds?

- isn't this how we evolve as a company? we skunkworks things, see if it works, build more on top of it, repeat?

- if we don't take risks, won't another company out-compete us at some point?

- won't some manager take notice of the inefficiency and do something about it?

Sometimes the answer is yes! But it's almost never yes for the right reasons; it's merely the case that you found a manager who hates the PostgreSQL team, or hates one particular PostgreSQL advocate, or finds it advantageous to be seen as a manager who's spearheading new initiatives, or thinks that a homogeneous tech stack is a vulnerable tech stack, etc.

This is the way we all work. We all have our irrational heuristics built up of lifetimes of experience that we hate interrogating; we naturally gravitate to others with the same irrational heuristics because they spare us that interrogation; we assault others who force that interrogation upon us because it's painful. You'll see this dynamic in political tribes, in technology choices at work, on reality TV, everywhere. You can watch us tie ourselves into knots in real time, selectively forget events or facts, or wildly misinterpret things, all to defend our aesthetic preferences. This is the psychological disorientation you're experiencing. It's not common to find people who are aware of these tendencies and--successfully--employ strategies to compensate, and it's even less common to find groups of people who do that. The probability is inverse to the number of people.

Like you (and I guess OP), I've fallen victim to this over and over again on both sides. There is no justice, because there is no God and nothing even approaching perfect competition. Some of those groups are doing great, others are deceased. I've only relatively recently figured this out, so I've now added some things to my interview questions like "tell me about a time you were very wrong" and "how do you reevaluate decisions or longstanding beliefs you have". I also try to check myself whenever I react a little too positively or negatively to something, because that's usually an indication that it's aligned or across my aesthetics and something I need to dig into.

The good news is I've had success instilling this into people I've worked with. It's sort of "a minute to learn; a lifetime to master", but it starts creating a culture of psychological safety where everyone relies on the others to help them be the best they can be.