I have very bad social anxiety. In my early twenties I had no friends and was depressed because I wanted to socialise but couldn't and also didn't know how.

In the end I got so depressed I forced myself to started going out on my own to meet people.

I mostly went to bars, but I found other places I could make friends too like parks and festivals. Early on I tried going to meetups and things like that, but honestly I wouldn't recommend them. Everyone (including myself) tries so hard at those events. It's better than not socialising at all, but it always felt way too forced to be fun for me. Plus, these meetups don't exactly select for normal people...

Anyway if you're interested I guess I can give you some tips from what I learnt going out and socialising on my own several times a week for over a decade...

- Find somewhere you like.

The most important thing when trying to make new friends is to feel comfortable. If you're at a bar you hate you'll give off bad vibes and the people who are there to have a good time won't want to be around you.

If you don't like bars, most cities will have festivals and other things going on during weekends which you can try out. Another thing I'd do in my city in the summer was go to parks because often there will be groups of friends drinking and listening to music that you can try to talk to.

But the important thing is to just find a place you enjoy being. And don't feel you need to commit to anywhere either. I'd often go to several different places before I found somewhere I liked the vibe of and suck around.

- Have no motives.

By far the biggest mistake you can make when trying to make friends with people is actively trying to make friends.

People can tell when you want something from them and when you're not being genuine. If you're talking to someone and run out of things to say just end the conversation with a "nice meeting you" and move on. A forced conversation is always a bad conversation. But a good conversation that comes to an early end can easily turn into a second or a third conversation later. And this actually a better way to go about socialising in bars because the more independent interactions you have with someone the more they'll feel they know you.

- Start topical conversations.

There's lots of BS out there about the best way to start cold conversations with people, often with elaborate strategies, but by far the most natural way is just to comment on something topical. Personally I'd be observant of whats was going on around me and if I saw something interesting – or thought of something I wanted to share – I'd say it to nearest person. So if you're in a bar and some guy yells at some other dude, that's a great time to turn to the person next to you and ask, "what was that all about?".

By far the best conversation starters are ones that in addition to being topically relevant say something about yourself and ideally highlight some kind of shared value between you and the person you're speaking with. If you're at a bar and you hate the song playing and you can see someone who also hates the song, that can be a great way to start a conversation. "ehhh, this song sucks right?" – and the same obviously works in reverse if you both clearly love a song.

A higher risk move but one I enjoyed was to comment on what other people were wearing or doing. If you're trying to talk to girls then this is about as close to a social hack as you can get... Girls love to chat about how some other girl at the bar is falling out of her dress, or how awful some guy's shirt looks. Saying something, "omg, what is she wearing?!" can be a great way to start a conversation with a girl in the right context, but context is 99% of this working well.

- You don't always have to start the conversation.

There are techniques I found to start conversations without actually starting the conversation myself. One I did a lot was to just look bored. If you're in a social environment and you're on your own looking bored people will often approach you and ask if you're alright. In which case you can say, "yeah fine. I'm just on my own." Then sometimes people will just say "okay" and go back to doing whatever they were, but often they will feel bad and come chat to you for a bit, or invite you over with their friends.

The other thing I'd recommend is trying to stand out in some way. Typically I tried to wear clothing or an accessory someone might comment on. I wouldn't recommend going too crazy though because then people might think you're weirdo and avoid you, but what I found worked well was to be over dressed for the occasion. Another things I liked doing was to wear an unusual colour, so I'd sometimes wear a pink shirt for example. This works because very occasionally people will comment on what you're wearing, but more importantly you can bring it up yourself and show some social awareness – "am I over dressed?" or "you don't think this pink shirt make me look gay do you?". Another thing you could try is wearing a band tshirt which someone might comment on. Again I often did this as a joke by wearing a joy division tshirt then I'd ask people if it was okay for me to be wearing a joy divison tshirt when I hated their music and only liked "love will tear us apart". If I were to guess as a guy if you want to a bar wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt you're probably guaranteed to get someone ask you about it. Whether you'd want to do that I dunno, but you get my point.

Same thing applies with items. If you can carry an item that either people might comment on, or you can use in conversation then great. A silly example that comes to mind was once I found a shoe on the floor so I carried it around with me for a bit. Some people asked why I was carrying a shoe, but it also allowed me to start funny conversations with girls by telling them I was looking for my cinderella.

- Don't ask for numbers.

This isn't a hard rule, but generally I wouldn't ask people for their contact info even if I thought we were getting on. If people want to be your friend I can almost guarantee they'll ask you for your number.

What I'd typically do if I wanted to reconnect with someone was just to mention that I might be going to some event on my own and see how they react. Or if you're at a bar you could just say you'll probably be going there next week. If they want to hang out again they'll probably suggesting coming with you and ask for your contact info.

- Have fun.

Something I realised after a few years of trying to meet people was that making friends wasn't actually what I enjoyed. What I really liked was just having fun with people. The more you can get away from the mindset of trying to make friends, and more you can just do things in the moment that make you laugh, the easier it becomes to make friends. If you think about people who are really good at making friends, they're probably also fun people who like to joke around. Being able to entertain yourself is probably the most important skill to being likeable.

Dunno if this is helpful to you or anyone else... Also for what it's worth I'm from the UK. I'm guessing in the US it's a bit easier to talk to people, especially in the day.