tl;dr: complicated; I'm looking at leaving tech.

Last year I was working 12 hour days at a startup with regular spikes into 14-18 hour days, until I was abruptly and unceremoniously laid off. I've been dealing with varying degrees of burnout since 2017 but this experience rocketed me to all new levels of burnout; I couldn't stand to be at a computer for several months after the layoff.

I was hoping that time off would help, but after being in the industry for 19 years I think I'm just done. I used to really enjoy software development but these days completing most tasks feels like pushing through thorns. Between chasing down failures within GitHub actions, writing piles upon piles of YAML instead of real code, futzing around trying to debug a crashing process within a Kubernetes pod -- or generally trying to beat misbehaving clusters into submissions, waiting for Terraform runs to complete, etc, I spent more time shaving yaks rather than doing rewarding tasks. On top of that, agile has turned into "the product team has the attention span of a squirrel so good luck cranking out half-baked features without having any idea of what next week will look like!" Software engineering as a discipline feels like it's become more hectic, more needlessly complicated, more grating and much, _much_ less rewarding than what it was a decade ago.

I wrote a great deal of open source code, I've got applications that have millions of downloads, I even have code running on the ISS; regrettably the satisfaction that I got from shipping features that thrilled customers has basically vanished. It's important to me that I take pride in my work and know that I genuinely did a good job rather than shovel software as fast as humanly possible. That feeling hasn't shown up in 5-7 years.

I find that I still enjoy writing software. Recently my girlfriend was diagnosed with a number of allergies and I had a lovely time writing a Rust app that OCRed a product ingredient list, queried a the Pubchem and CAS databases to resolve food/cleaning product/cosmetic ingredients and determine if they contained any allergens, and I'm likely going to keep working on that for a while. Recently I picked up a project (shelved during the pandemic) building a scaled replica of the Curiosity/Perseverance rovers and getting into ROS/machine learning/SLAM has been a delight. It's fun, it feels natural, and I don't feel gross doing it. I've still got the skills, even if I'm not working.

In the current macroeconomic conditions, finding another job would mean a ton of work crafting the perfect resume, grinding the joy out of life via leetcode, and going through endless interviews. The idea makes me physically sick, one year after getting laid off. When you add that emotional state on top of the profound fear of being hired as a SWE and then getting stuck writing Terraform or being an emotional caretaker for Kubernetes, the end result is complete paralysis in my process of applying for jobs.

Over the last few years I picked up my Firefighter I/II certifications and got my EMT license; I'm currently midway through the recruit fire academy as a volunteer for a nearby fire department. I'm seriously considering becoming an ER tech at a nearby hospital to make ends meet and build experience in pursuit of becoming a career firefighter. At present it feels like trying something new is worth a shot; if nothing else I feel like I'll be able to take some pride in doing some real, tangible good for people.

I have complicated feelings about the prospect of a career that's going to have worse hours, less pay, be more physically demanding, and will expose me to emotional and physical trauma. But a long time ago I took so much pride in my work; I was proud to call myself a software engineer and felt like I was able to make a difference.

In summary -- maybe tech has changed, maybe I've changed, but getting laid off may have been the final straw for me. I'm looking into alternative careers that might be a better match for my needs.