This subject is really easy to get absorbed in. First I found myself swayed by the initial quote, and then by some of the counter-arguments.

I'm in the fortunate position of having a truly incredible relationship. It's old news now after over a decade but I remember being so blown away by almost this lifting of some dunning-kruger ceiling in terms of what a relationship could even be.

I could spend ages talking about this but that's not the point of my comment so I'll just say that the vast majority of people are not in particularly good relationships. And I'd go as far to say that most people don't know what a "good" relationship even is. The standards we set for ourselves, the standards that are set by media portrayals etc are so low and/or unhealthy.

A very small portion of readers will know what I'm talking about. When you know, you know. And when you meet another couple who are similar you can spot the dynamic almost instantly. A healthy relationship is an upward spiral of empathy, generosity, respect and kindness that builds on itself through an ever growing appreciation of the wonderful gift your partner gives you. Even after 10+ years of barely spending a day apart, it still makes my heart swell to even think of it.

Anyway, taking a step back: if I reflect on what would have happened if I had been so picky. I don't think it would have ended well. Looking back, I would have been wrong about almost everything.

Me and my partner are so different in so many ways. We shared very few interests, worked in completely different industries, and had completely different lifestyles. She worked in a large, high-end department store and was the sort of person that's easy to stereotype. She was super girly, outgoing, wore very feminine clothes etc. Just a bit of an alien to an IT nerd like me who always assumed people like her and her glamorous friends would be as shallow as a puddle.

I was wrong of course. She's an incredible woman. A titan of wisdom, warmth and wit. I still find it hard to qualify what heuristics make us so compatible but I can say they aren't any of the ones I'd have picked.

We're so pompous about the things we "want" like we even have any fucking idea about anything half the time. Once again, we exhibit our incredible blind spot when it comes to our own future change. Ask someone if they were different 10 years ago and get a resounding yes. Ask them if they will be different in 10 years and get a much less assertive answer.

We treat ourselves, our own opinions and desires as a fixed platform. We have to. But it's surely worth remembering that our journey and evolution will continue, and that any partner will be a huge agent in that metamorphosis.

A good relationship changes your values, your interests. We have morphed and grown into each other over the years, a gestalt that is greater than the sum of its parts. Her journey is mine, and vice-versa.

Another angle is one's own emotional maturity/readiness. If I had met her 5-10 years earlier, I wouldn't have been ready. I still had too much growing up to do. It took several instances of having or being a pretty bad partner in other relationships before I was finally in a place where - if nothing else - I was finally able to let my guard down.

Anyway, on balance. I think I'm probably still in camp: "don't be picky".

Should we be picky/discerning with our long term partners? Absolutely. Based on my earlier comments, most people could do better in terms of the quality of their relationship. And that usually means starting again.

Once you're in a relationship it becomes especially hard to leave. Inertia traps you in a fugue state of ambivalent acceptance. Treading water and losing years of your life in missed opportunities and experiences.

The key, I think, is throwing yourself into the rich vibrant pool of humanity and sampling as much of it as possible whilst being careful not to settle. At worst, it's a mind-broadening experience and an especially healthy activity in today's increasingly tribal society. But if you're lucky, you also may meet someone incongruous who could end up shaking the foundations of your world.

E: words