Ask HN: Been at rock bottom for a year. Tryna start from scratch
Hi HN, I honestly don't know how to start this. I'd like to say I've fallen on hard times but I've been here for the past gods-know-how-many years. I don't see it getting any better. I got into programming 6 years ago after dropping out of college to deal with family BS and now I feel like it was the worst mistake I ever made. I got my first iOS job during all the turmoil. I felt like such a hero. I'd dropped out, taken the year to teach myself coding, went through the ups and downs of the job hunt, and I'd finally come out in a much better place than I could have dreamed. Nice paying job, ability to take care of the ruins, a gf I thought was loyal. I was playing my "role as a man". I made friends after what seemed like a lifetime of social inability. Turns out I was just getting emotionally and physically abused at home; takes a while to realize that when you're born in it. I even had my own apartment. Life was good. Most of my salary was going to taking care of others but I had more than enough to take care of myself. Fuck! I could pay for my place AND my mom's. It was my duty, I thought. And I was doing it. Even when I realized the unreal amount of pressure, I looked at the pay and thought I'd beat the odds. I was living up to my expectations. I don't want to go into the multiple descents into disillusionment; hindsight might just reduce me to tears and I've seen myself cry for the first time in 21 years. Fast-forward through 4 years of utter loneliness, the realization that my "friends" were never really friends, my relationship was little more than self-mockery, my mother faking a DV incident just to get me to sign over my part of the mortgage I helped her get, cops looking at me knowing it's BS yet unable to do anything about it, my gf boning anyone who would neg her then smile at her, 3 emergency surgeries to save me from almost losing my life, the less-than-rejections from faceless corps as I tried to get the ball rolling again on my career after a "sabbatical", the rejections from faceless corps as I applied to the most menial jobs so I can at least afford a storage locker to sleep in, the subtle siphoning of my pride followed by full-on debasements. It feels like I've fallen so far below the x-axis I naturally tread water in the negative. I've been homeless for the past 2 years with season after season melding together to form one long slog. I can't differentiate one day from the next. I can't tell my feelings. I feel them only under the heaviest quilt of nihilism and I gotta say, at least the thread-count on that is luxurious. I started the summer like I've started every other summer: telling myself it's a new season and this'll be the year everything finally works out. I lost all hope of career progression only to find out I can't even start from scratch as a Junior. I just refuse to be reduced to panhandling. So here goes my last effort. I've been a long-time poster on HN and you guys have dropped so many gems on me during my career that made me feel like I was really learning a dark art. I'm still capable of coding. If anyone needs some work done for iOS/macOS that you just don't have the time to get to, I'd really appreciate if you could give me an opportunity to get my foot back in the door of professional work. I just got rejected from the cashier job I applied to at the airport I've been sleeping in for the past year and to say I'm at my wit's end would be doing a disservice to the stamina of my descent. I've avoided posting any identifying details on here because whatever shred of dignity I have left has gone into this post. You can message me on here and I'll share them with you if you need them. If not, thanks for the memories anyway -- Hard Bottom