I have told this story here several times (never in this much detail) but why not once more.

I had worked at my first software company for around five years when our lead developer left for greener pastures. Soon thereafter as the most senior developer on staff I had a meeting with the owner of the company and his assistant talking about the need to interview people to fill the lead position and it was kind of half floated “I don’t suppose you would want it” and I champed at the bit. I was young and desperate for what I saw as career advancement. They agreed and drew up a new contract.

I moved out of the bullpen and into the office. Pretty quickly started trying to fix things I saw as “wrong” with our process by laying down decrees.

One of the biggest being trying to get people to use version control (git) - it was 2009 and it was frankly still “acceptable” not to use version control. I had a lunch-and-learn where I taught everyone how to set up and use git. They didn’t understand the why. We had nightly backups, isn’t that good enough? I tried incentivizing them with a literal weekly “whoever has the most commits by the end of week gets a gift card“ and the same very green junior dev won it every week because she was the only one who bothered.

At this same time a developer I had considered a friend was vastly underperforming. Prior to my time as lead, his desk had been moved to be in public view to try to keep him on task, it had not worked. He would mess around all day every day and when due dates rolled around he would turn in half completed rush jobs. He was already on notice when I took over. After a talk with the owner it was very clear we were trying to get rid of him. I had to be the one to place my friend on an improvement plan he was fully expected to fail. It was very difficult for me emotionally. A couple days later we were both working late and I called him into my office and I basically told him on the low down that the owner was gunning for him and he should start looking for a new gig. He was gone very shortly thereafter and I thankfully never had fire him.

Around the same time as this, a developer told another developer a joke with exceedingly mild sexual innuendo - something not at all out of place in an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle hidden for the parents. Well a third developer overheard the joke and put in a formal complaint and after bouncing off our HR person I was tasked with formally reprimanding the joke teller and the intended joke recipient. Joy.

This entire time I am doing a very poor job of delegating, working 10 hour days and weekends and falling further and further behind. Hardest I have ever worked in my life, even to this day. And then my yearly review comes due. The owner’s assistant conducts it. It is the first negative review of my career, I am not getting enough done.

I am working harder than ever, being put into positions I hate, and being told I am not doing enough. I went from loving my job to hating it. My stress level reaches 9001 and something in me just breaks, I get the worst headache of my life followed by what I would describe as jolts of “face lightning” followed by numbness and facial weakness. I go to the ER.

They suspect stroke and do a CT scan, but find nothing. I end up getting diagnosed with stress induced trigeminal neuralgia and put on a drug to relieve apparent inflammation of my nerves.

I had a former colleague who regularly tried to recruit me to whatever gig he was working at the time. Literally the next day I text him asking if he’s looking for a developer. He is, he sets me up with an interview with his boss. Within a week of the negative review and the trip to the ER I am putting in my two week notice.

As one final insult, the owner points out that in my contract I had agreed to three weeks notice. I had planned to take a week off between jobs, but that’s gone I guess.

And that’s why in the last 14 years since, I’ve made zero new attempts to become a manager again. I am a firmly believe I was not built for the task. I just want to build cool things.