> I was always told it was just like Linux with a better UX.

That is definitely not true. Whoever told you that has probably never used either one of the systems.

> Multiple desktops, but you can't move windows between them with keyboard shortcuts.

I use Rectangle app. It's free and open source, and has this functionality.

> Animations: Baked-in, long, IO-blocking, and they can't be disabled.

I agree with this one. Having an option to at least accelerate them to near-instant would be nice. Disabling them altogether as an option would likely be desirable to many. It would also be better if the focus transitioned fully as soon as the animation started, not ended.

> Window management: Extremely basic and even worse than Windows. (No keyboard shortcuts, no tiling, etc.)

Rectangle app again. Keyboard shortcuts, mouse-based tiling, the works.

> Child windows (e.g. to open or save files) will move the parent window if (1) it's wider or taller than the parent window and (2) the parent window is near an edge. This is very funny but only the first

This is just complaining about nothing. The parent window returns to the original position once the child window is closed.

> Running applications downloaded from the internet is obtuse and time-consuming.

Sorry, what?

> Even the newer laptops with "fixed keyboards" have problems. (Every 2021 MBP I've tried has a bad capslock key. This is supposed to be by design.)

If you mean the tiny delay between pressing it and activating the lock, it's definitely not a broken thing. Arguably, it should be an accessibility option, either opt-in or opt-out. As it stands, there's no option.

Most people tend to like it though as it absolutely kills the possibility of accidentally switching it on.

> This is ignoring all the usual MacOS complaints. (XCode

How is XCode a macOS complaint? It's an IDE, not part of the OS. I never have it installed on my computers as I don't write mac or iDevice apps.

> no native Docker

The only OS that has native Docker is Linux because Docker just packs Linux features (namespaces, cgroups) in a more user-friendly package.

macOS has pretty much the same Docker experience as Windows does. If you don't want Docker desktop, colima IMO provides an even better experience.

> bad coreutils

coreutils is part of GNU. macOS is based on FreeBSD. What are you even complaining about?

> no volume sliders

If you mean per-app slider, fair point. Otherwise I don't know what you mean.

> no games

Seriously? Yeah, as it stands, Mac computers are not gaming devices. That said, there are many games that run on it. Perhaps not the ones you want to play.

> long system updates

Fair. It seems to be getting better though, and it's much superior to Windows. I've also never had an upgrade break my computer in ways that took hours to fix like I always had on Linux (before I migrated to Mac, I was an exclusive Linux user for many years. I still run it on my servers and a couple laptops).

> can't use the machine while it updates

Fair.

> telemetry

Fair.

> OS speed tied to speed of telemetry calls

My telemetry calls must be really speedy then, even when every other network call is stuck on treackle.

> features are obtuse/obfuscated and lack affordances for discovery

I'm not even sure what you mean by that.

> bricking from user-accessible settings

Never seen or heard of that one, but sounds horrible.

> The benefit that the newest Apple laptops had are its battery, but that was ruined with the latest major update to MacOS.

I'm typing this on an M2 Pro that's been on for about 4h. It's up-to-date and has 69% battery left.

> I really really regret buying a MacOS laptop.

That's fair. To each their own.

> I was naive, curious, and ignorant.

That's fine. Curiosity and ignorance go hand-in-hand. Naïveté is not really an issue, and sometimes is a great driver of discoveries.

> A cautionary tale for anyone else who's happy in Linux land!

Also fair, but I was very happy in Linux land. When I bought my first MacBook, I just wanted it for the hardware. The first thing I did was install Linux on it. After a while I decided to dual-boot OS X, mostly influenced by some of my smartest friends and colleagues, many of which also pretty big on Linux.

It did take me a while to get used to it. I had to let go of many behaviours, customisation options, etc. It was a little painful for a couple months. After that, I was fine and really enjoying the freedom to not think about OS breakages. I could just close the lid and put the computer in my bag, and I could trust that everything would be as I left them when I opened it again.

I stopped spending every available second on another customisation or optimisation. I started focusing more and better at the task at hand.

An anecdote to counter your anecdotal cautionary tale. :)