Since you asked, I appreciated all of it, and all of it resonates. I know most of it. Some of it I actively do, some I've done and need a reminder, some of it is about getting my expectations back in line again.

Yeah totally right about signaling. I'm a heart on my sleeve guy. I need to be reminded that I have to play a game at first, you can't just be yourself. I treat people well first (until they give me a reason not to), but even that is signaling and not working in my favor. Open/generous people just attract users. I actually already hold back a lot (being strangely open here for a change) but clearly it's still not near enough. Gotta keep reminding myself of that.

About not dating: I've just spent 2+ years trying to connect with people without the intention of dating. I've found that most of the people I run into just aren't like me, probably because I'm digging in the wrong places. I live on a lake love to boat in the summer, but the crowd that attracts is just not the same as me. I realized most of them aren't my friends, they're just into having a friend with a boat and free booze. So I'm getting used in a way. So that's a me problem, and a signaling problem in a way. You're spot on about weeding people out fast, probably the #1 thing I've learned these last 2 years, I've cut a lot of these people out. Which stinks because they're fun, and I need people to boat with. So I'm back to trying dating in 2023 and see if I'm any wiser this time. 10 days in and already it's mostly just matches with scammers/escorts and sugar gals.

I get the thing about meeting people just to do things, build a network, etc. Like I said I just must be digging in the wrong places. The social things I do like concerts and boats attract the wrong crowd, the bar crowd; and the intelligent/introvert side of me, well its hard to meet introverts. I'm going to make another effort on Meetup, focusing on groups that cater to introverts like books and board games. That's one thing I haven't tried (been focusing on extroverts as I figured that would be easier). Guess it means I have to boat less this summer, which stinks cause it's one of the things that brings me joy. Choices.

Not talking about money etc, I really don't. But I'm just generous with myself and my time and it doesn't take long before people sniff out there's something different about me, some air of confidence, assumed success. I just don't have the same problems they have and it shows in my demeanor, the way I talk, wisdom compassion whatever. It attracts people that need things. Again, you're right, it's a signaling problem. I guess I just have to play coy or something. I don't know a lot of successful people in my personal life (other than colleagues, but I don't mix business and personal). I come from lower mid class so those are my peeps and I understand them, but at the same time I'm not like them any more. I also don't come from upper middle class, so I don't really fit in there no common upbringing.

Lastly, your point about don't make assumptions. You're absolutely right, and I need to be reminded of this. Take more risks (no risk no reward) instead of assuming. I get it, need to put it into more practice. I need to shake things up.

I'm still upbeat enough to get up and try again. I just feel like every time I put myself out there and try and open up, I learn new lessons on why not to trust people. Like I said, 2 years of trying something new, only to have to cut most of 'em out. Makes me wonder why I keep putting myself out there I guess. Which is why I asked for a new / outside perspective from you in all honesty. I need new things to try I'm running out of ideas.

I'm convinced that some of this is societal. We live in brutal times, people dehumanized, struggling. Can't change that, but I can change what I'm doing.

Thanks again for taking your time with an honest and helpful response. Mixed feelings about sharing this in a public forum, but HN rules, a lot of great intelligent helpful people here.