There is a mix of advice on here and I think some of it is quite good. It’s always more difficult to create meaningful connections with people the older you get. But it’s also very possible to have community and still feel alone. Things can also seem bland when life becomes monotonous and repetitive.

However, I think there is something more deeper at play here, and I’m not sure becoming an entirely different person is the way to go. What struck me the most in your post is after coming up with solutions for yourself, you tend to refer back to the feeling of “what’s the point”, or the meaninglessness of it all, and I think that’s what needs to be addressed for any other advice to be useful.

So I wanted to give some opinionated advice regarding this specifically. This is my own personal outlook on life but I feel I would be doing a disservice if I didn’t at least share it.

I’m roughly the same age as you and also a Software Engineer. I’ve spent some time working at startups, larger companies, personal indie projects. Teaching CS even. But I try to not let any of those things define my existence or purpose. I believe it’s important to divorce your profession from your purpose. Your identity as a human being should not be wrapped up in your job, as is the case with most people. It’s harder said than done, but that’s the first thing.

I do not believe we exist as human beings to work, or to create companies, or to build projects, or even to have meaningful relationships, raise children, give charity. All of these things are really important, necessary, take effort, and are awesome. But they are not the point of life. They’re meant to aid the point of life.

Second thing is, I think you are placing too much burden on yourself. There’s a concept in my religion known as Tawakkul. It’s the complete reliance on God. We do not have the answers for everything, and it’s not our job to find all the answers for everything. We put in our best effort and do the best we can with what we have, and we leave the rest to God. In everything we do.

Life is difficult, maintaining relationships is difficult, continuing to go through all of it is not easy. And I can only imagine how much more difficult it is if a person doesn’t have a why.

“And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.” - Chapter 51, Verse 56

You don’t need to become a monk and give up the things that makes your life comfortable. You also don’t need to reinvent who you are. Life is about balance. You don’t go to the extreme of giving up everything in life and abandoning your place in it for the pursuit of contentment. But you also don’t lead a purely hedonistic life, not realising you will be asked about it one day. Juxtapose these verses for example:

“This worldly life is no more than play and amusement. But the Hereafter is indeed the real life, if only they knew” - Chapter 29, Verse 64

“… do not forget your share of the world. And do good as God has done good to you. And desire not corruption in the land. Indeed, God does not like corrupters." - Chapter 28, Verse 77

Personally, I think most people will have a difficult time making sense of life without any relationship with the One who created them. People tend to be in a perpetual state of pretending to themselves that they are happy. How many people can really answer the question: “what’s the point of literally anything you do if you’ll just die at the end of it?” Most people cannot be still with themselves, and with their thoughts. It’s constant restlessness, unless they are distracting themselves with booze, sex, work, or whatever else.

“Surely in the remembrance of Allah do the hearts find rest.” - Chapter 13, Verse 28.

I’m a Muslim, and the references in this comment are from the Qur’an. You can read it online at quran.com, or order a free physical English copy from https://www.quranproject.org/freequran.php.

Islam, by definition, is about submitting your will to the one who created you, and understanding you are not in control of your destiny. Once someone has internalised this, you really feel a huge weight lift from your shoulders, and the sky begins to clear. Religion is not about being perfect and sinless. It’s about striving to tame your soul and understanding your creator is easy to forgive: “All the sons of Adam are sinners, but the best of sinners are those who repent.” - The Prophet Muhammad Peace Be Upon Him (PBUH).

Beyond that, we were not meant to go through life alone. Islam places a huge emphasis on community:

“A believer to another believer is like a building whose different parts enforce each other.” - The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said this while clasping his hands with his fingers interlaced.

It’s worth pointing out this isn’t always immediate family. Some of the Prophet’s own family did not want good for Him. But this community is the expectation Muslims have of one another. It’s very normal for me to smile and greet a stranger walking down the road and for them to do the same, and go our separate ways, simply because we recognise they’re Muslim. They’re family. As the Prophet (PBUH) said “Every good deed is charity, even meeting your brother with a cheerful face.”

The small things that you do suddenly have meaning, because you’re doing them for the right reasons. You’re no longer expectant from people, only God.

You try to go to the gym not because you want to pull a woman, but because Allah says “The strong believer is more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, but there is goodness in both of them.” (This also applies to mental fortitude, not just physical strength, i.e. controlling your anger.)

You try to be kind and present for your spouse, parents, family and friends not because you expect them to reciprocate, but because the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) says “The merciful will be shown mercy by the Most Merciful. Be merciful to those on the earth and the One in the heavens will have mercy upon you”.

You end up in a constant state of seeking closeness to God, because you have conviction that everything that’s good for you comes from Him, even the things you don’t ask for.

I did say my advice was opinionated, but I hope it’s at least provoked some thinking. I am also quite happy to speak with you about anything I’ve mentioned, or any questions/thoughts you may have related to this. Both on here or privately. I also just want to say that you are not alone, and life can be pretty crappy. So I’ve tried to share how many people on earth understand their life and their purpose. Thank you for being vulnerable and I hope things get better soon.