the reason it hurts, ironically, is because you haven't grieved/let go of what you wish friends/society were like instead

It's like a partial 'loss of innocence' limbo, puts you in a weird danger zone that is more vulnerable than either polarity

-- actual innocence (i.e. children) rightly elicits strong protection and guidance

-- completed loss of innocence/full acceptance/adult cynicism is being totally okay (and no longer upset or bitter) with the world not owing you anything and there being invisible unfair rules of status games everywhere.

These people are adults climbing the status games they're born into and earning points at their own pace are basically happy and making progress, even modestly or fake/meaninglessly (consumer goods etc)

Getting stuck somewhere between these stages, tho, is painful because every human interaction pokes at an open wound.

(I'm working thru this myself so I empathize)

If you can't stop seeing beyond the game, wishing for a different cards, bitter at the rules being a certain way for your society/geography/time, being contradictory, or changing too quickly etc, you won't be good at the game because your spirit is essentially undercutting you at every play. "Your heart isn't in it" so to speak.

It's how the most sensitive see-thru-the-matrix type children end up when they grow too old for anyone to care, because they just won't let go of how they (idealistically) wanted it to be. A rare amount of these people also have amazing talents, so their insights combine to create art, but the vast majority that can't outgrow it or sublimate it basically just get stuck.

There comes a point where you decide you have to play the best you can with real spirit of society as you find it, so as to win the prizes available.

I remember once I finally handled myself well at a party, was the right amount of cute girl/ charming/ sophisticated/ intriguing/ status signaling stuff to kinda prove to myself I could put the effort in.

And what was discouraging was not that it was 'fake' which was my original juvenile complaint, but rather that the prize for doing really well at a social game is ...being invited to another party to play again next time.

This prize is everything to some people (who can turn each game into endless secondary benefits/opportunity) but pretty disappointing to other types who keep wishing the prize was different, deeper, or magical somehow

They could make themselves play and win if only the prizes were better...

on the other side of the spectrum, it's like how young natural 'politicians' can fully see that socializing is transactional and instead of being upset their thinking attunes to those invisible lines of power like a duck to water: wow the world is one big competition, wow that's so neat, hmm lets see, what do i have to offer and what can you do for me?

there is something to at least seeing with curiosity other people's survival strategies and emotional different reactions to the lay of the land, so to speak. Not to become them, but at least to see the options.

You know how therapy people say acceptance is letting go of the hope for a better past?

in a way, lonely/cynical/bitter people have to let go of their hope for a better game.