This is me, too. I grew up in a "Kids just don't want to learn any more, they all just take meds to fix behavior problems" household.

I quit my meds when I was about 16/17 failed out of my last year of highschool, went on to become a construction foreman for huge projects managing crews of 30-40.

During a layoff in 2009 because there was no construction, I installed linux on a laptop because I borked my OS and didn't have a key. Ended up getting a job as an ISP call center tech at a small ISP/hosting company a few months later, taught myself systems and networking administration and was running the whole place a few years later including the BGP peering, system automation, monitoring, and building.

I went to work for a FANNG for a decade, Built some cool shit, have a few patents.

When the pandemic hit, I really stopped for the first time and looked at what being able to perform at a high level was costing me and my family.

1. I was drinking too much, a small buzz would slow my mind down and let me focus on a single thing, It kinda works but at what cost?

2. I always knew what I needed to do, I understood how to build what I needed to build but there would be times, whole weeks, when I'd be unable to bring myself to read the docs I needed too or do what ever I needed to do, that would make me uneasy and lead to a lot of self-loathing. Not a great person for my family to be around during those times.

3. Always feeling like I needed to work but never working, so everything was an inconvenience because I should be getting something done at work but I wasn't, then things like dinner with my family felt like it might be taking away from some work I wasn't going to do anyways.

4. The lightning would strike, I'd find a deadline or whatever and I'd work, almost unbroken for days straight, online before my kids got up, get them to school, work, pick them up and make dinner/put to bed, work through the night or late into the night.

5. I'd build the thing I needed to and then I'd crash and be tired, and then I'd have a day or two to be the father and partner and person I wanted to be, but there's always the nagging feeling that next time, I'll be too late or won't pull it off . . ..

I spent 2 years in therapy (starting before the pandemic) addressing the symptoms and working on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques to address a chemical imbalance in my brain. Working on being kind to myself, working on stress management, working on time management.

Part way into the pandemic, I ended up quitting, realizing I just needed a break and I was working so much harder than any of my peers for a similar or worse output. Them mental overhead of keeping up was excessive.

Eventually, I went back and got properly medicated. It was like a switch flipped. It took me a month or so, to get into it, but I found myself feeling like I could stop and be available for my kids whenever, because I started to realize, I could just turn my focus on and off whenever I wanted and I didn't have to wait for lightning to strike.

The thing that's most beneficial is a bit unseen, I'm not carrying a burden of self-loathing, fear, anxiety on my back, all stressors that were a result of my inability to entirely control my focus and do the thing that I wanted to do when I wanted to. That invisible weight that I carried everywhere vanished.

I've seen a marked improvement in my life over the last year or so. I'm a better father, partner, employee. I like myself for the first time in decades.

This is long winded, but I wanted to put this out there because there are a lot of us in tech. having ADHD is actually a great way to get into tech, we find something we don't understand or a blocker and dig deep. I was just trying to find a way around a license key and ended up learning internet routing . . .. I have a very broad skill set because I'll dig deep on anything that walks by. I see many like myself. But if you find yourself in a cycle like this, go get help. Life doesn't have to be that hard.