So, I actually made an account for this. First off if you're having a hard time figuring out why life is worth living reach out. To friends, family, even to me - but get help from some one, none of us are going through this stuff alone. Life's a bitch. But...

I used to be a pilot. It was all I wanted to do since I was a kid. I learned to fly in highschool by working a shitty job and washing planes, and flew for a living for 14 years after graduating. I went to college while flying full time, got married, started a family, and at about 10 years into the career, I got sick. It messed up my eye and doctors couldn't figure out what happened, but I got a waiver, and went back to flying with one eye for nearly 2 years before getting sick again - this time it took out my other eye, and it was clinically evident what had happened.

I had MS. For nearly a month I couldn't read. I couldn't see my kids faces, and every day was this reminder all the time of disability and a broken and vacant future. I was depressed while undergoing treatment, and lonely because covid about a year into rewriting society and now my immune system was all weird. I was constantly worried about dying from the medication I was taking - which is still a risk, but not something I can do anything about. Just in general, I was a damn sight different than a couple years previously. Then I was a steely-eyed missile man, not afraid of anything, etc. - after I got sick I couldn't even drive to the grocery store.

Anyway, one of the realizations I had throughout all this was, well, frankly, that life is short, and all the things you enjoy are but fleeting blips, and one day, you'll do those things you enjoy for the last time. So enjoy them now. That's it. Enjoy what is happening now, because you may not get it for very long - these (right now) are the "good old days." So have fun with them. Enjoy your work, your life, your loved ones, forgive people, and don't take anything too seriously - because you know what? It's all going to be gone in a few years.

There's a great book by a guy named Viktor Frenkl about how he managed to find meaning while living through great suffering and despair in a concentration camp. If he can find the strength to bear that with dignity, then I can bear this with dignity. Really, even though the "meaning" I had from my life was "gone" (it wasn't really, but it sure felt like it) - I could derive meaning from the act of resistance - from the way that you handle the situation. Sometimes your only "purpose" in life (if there can be said to be any purpose at all) is to "bear it." Ultimately, the last little bit of meaning that I can wring out of this life is that I will fight until the end.

The struggle is what's important. Even though it sucks, I want to get better, I want to enjoy myself, and make the world a better place when I'm done. Sure it sucks for me, but I'm going to get better or die trying. I'm going to be better than I was before - and although I can't do what I used to, I'm going to do more. The struggle provides it's own meaning. I won't say I'm not afraid, and it's not hard, but I will keep struggling, because the struggle itself provides meaning. I carry on and keep fighting because it's worth doing.

I'm going back to school now, getting a masters in computer vision (ironic I know) because I want to fight. It's hard, and stressful some times - but the hell with it, I'm going to fight until the bitter end. Even when everything else feels bleak - the struggle itself can grant some meaning. Choosing how you handle those problems - even if it kills you - is something that you have agency over.

This isn't some "toughen up buttercup" BS or whatever - I cry all the time, and I'm embarrassed of myself when I can't do the things I used to. It's not any less challenging, and it's none of that stoic shit either - no, cry loudly, complain and whine - there's only virtue in stoicism if you think someone else cares. Instead, I carry on and keep fighting because with my dying breath I want to tell the universe "screw you, I kept fighting." That's the example I can set for my kids - but it's more than that - those are the kind of people I want in this world. The ones who don't give up, so, dammit, I'm going to be one of them.

I believe in you. It'll be alright. Keep fighting, even when you're losing sometimes the fighting can give you meaning and give you a reason to keep on going.