To anyone who has felt similar, the way to navigate class in situations like that is to really practice not giving a flamingo. Not in an antagonistic or reactive way, but to have spent a few years really cultivating a paucity of firetrucks.

The author was treated well because she wasn't a threat, and the people at that party could tell she was a civilian in their conflict. Outsiders are necessary because they polinate between tribes, and if you get invited to something like that, embrace your freedom. Think of it like spending a week in LA and Hollywood, where it can be dazzling, but then it starts to sink in that these people can't leave. That's what being middle class is like, it's the incentives and behaviours that result from belief you can't leave and it's "up or out," which is hilarious (in an existentially horrific way), because there is no "up." There is no "there" from "here," because not a single member of a legitimate elite got there with permission or assent - only the acquiescence of peers. You only ever win your place at that table. Elite is always the conseqeunce of mastery and achievement, and not flattery or prestige. It's not so much zero-sum as untouchable achievement. The rest are hangarounds.

Being a member of an elite and elitism have as much in common as a rockstar and their fan club. Nobody wants to be around fans, they'd much rather be able to find people who they can share their appreciation of things with. If you gave up firetrucks and just got amazing at being a musician, or even just being amazing at whatever you do, you would be more welcome among rock stars because you have that level of achievement in common, and not just taste.

While I came from a middle class family, several years ago I decided to drop out of the middle class because after really struggling with it, I decided it was a competition without a prize. If you have to struggle to maintain status, it was never yours. Struggle for achievement, but never for status. Being middle class isn't about income. It is predicated on the idea you are an impostor who must get ahead of all the other impostors by sustaining the narrative that none of you are impostors. Indeed, admittedly people who lose at games are always the most generous with their insights into them, and misery does love company, but whatever the case, I have the relative luxury of affording to share these views.

Like how "all political careers end in failure," I was losing at something in which I didn't think anyone actually wins. However, like pursuing elite achievement - progress and success at being middle class means you also have to love the conflict for its own sake, just like loving a sport to be the best at it. Being a member of an elite means to have won a place as a peer among the very best in a field. Striving can be a real crab bucket, and I don't think it's something one should enter into lightly.

A friend put it well with an analogy to "indoor cats" and "outdoor cats," where they have very different skills. Outdoor cats are romantic and generally better at catching mice and being a cat, but they can't use a litter box, they destroy furniture, spray everywhere, and they cause a power struggle whenever they show up. Indoor cats catch mice as necessary if at all, but are really good at maintaining the durable relationships that secure their welcome, and being declawed makes them behave more strategically, even if they can revert to apopleptic wildness when an intact outdoor cat comes around. Obviously my bias favours outdoor cats, but with a sincere respect for the skills indoor cats must develop to live. Vive la difference.

The adage of "first rule of being an insider is don't criticize other insiders," applies so strictly that the things insiders ignore about each other often seems completely insane. What the author was writing about at that party was the opiate and glazing effects of proximity to power.

Some of my more progressive friends were offended when I told them my lack of a degree now qualified me as working class, and that with my new class consciousness, I was going to use my gifts and advantages to advocate for my proletariat brothers and sisters, and I think they felt it as a betrayal of the game, and it sounded a lot like just losing and giving up. Maybe it was, though I think it just clicked for me that one doesn't recruit courtiers to storm a castle, and we don't need to because the one thing we know for sure about them is that they always forgive you when you win.

Lovely and provocative article.