> Recently, faced with the necessity of making money, I began applying to full-time jobs again. I had thought that with my skills and network, it wouldn’t be too hard to find an enjoyable job that paid well enough. But of course, the first few that I applied to rejected me right away. I could feel my ambition collapsing: half a year ago, I thought I could revolutionize some of the institutions of science, and now I am merely wondering if I’m good enough to land a regular coding job. Maybe I should go work in a restaurant or something. Am I even good enough for that?

I've had this. University built me up (high grades, cum laude, honors, published paper, side projects, TA jobs, 1 year of iOS development experience, 1 year of being a web development instructor experience). FAANG (and its friends, like Elastic, Databricks, all the known names, banks, etc.) broke me down by not ever responding to my job applications for a graduate software engineer. Fast-forward 18 months later, still no job. I also got more downvotes on HN due to having a more gloomy mood and my desperation was perhaps a bit too strong. In general, people can't deal with it. HN has a lot of edge-cases where they can (some ask HNs are an example of this), but in my case they couldn't deal with it. HN showed me that I had to force myself to be more positive, lest I'd get more downvotes (and also because I reasoned that the general public would judge me way harsher than HN). For context, this comment is already quite on the "negative" side. I know that by writing like this I have a one in five chance to be downvoted. Often enough these category of posts also get upvoted a lot, so I do get some insight into the nuances of this problem area simply by seeing my downvotes and upvotes on what I experience to be similar comments, so in both cases the upvotes/downvotes are really helpful.

In any case, I took a job that paid low out of necessity (2500 euro's for a junior position, my own coding students were making more). I quit 6 months later, because I wasn't passionate about their product. I searched and 5 months later found another company. I felt so grateful to already find a company after 5 months that I felt excited by! They thought I was too slow (after 6 months), I agreed. Sometimes it simply doesn't work out. In this particular case, my contract didn't even formally end yet and I already found my 3rd company. Holy hell! What a different world. The 6 month mark is coming up, I hope I'll make it this time. I think I will, but not because my skills improved a lot. In my case it's mostly luck/bad luck depending on the company I was at. Culture has a lot to do with it. It's not my dream company, but I'm simply trying to get by. Moreover, the work conditions are amazing, I have nothing to complain about. However, if I'd be ambitious then I'd have all kinds of ambitious "complaints" like that it isn't my dream company.

Because of this whole process, I don't really know what my purpose in life is anymore. I decided to drop it for now and simply enjoy life. It feels too hedonistic for my taste, but alright, life is teaching me I can't control it I guess. Let's flow with it then!

So, I have 16 months of ragged recent experience (not including my experience that I got as a student). Here are some things I've noticed that are notable:

What I find weird is that some FAANG companies are even approaching me now. Like, really? Having a ragged resume with 16 months worth of experience is really that much better? Really?! It still makes me a bit angry, because I feel it diminishes how tough and valuable my actual academic education was. I've definitely learned a thing or two at the 3 companies I've worked at, don't get me wrong. However, the hardest stuff I've learned was still at university (e.g. rowhammer via JavaScript + WebGL, using IDA Pro to analyze binaries, hacking in general really).

Another thing I find as weird is that my salary is at 4500 euro's gross now. It's amazing that I feel compensated well now (for Dutch standards), but given my ragged resume, I also find it weird. Somehow failing at companies and searching for a new job (after six months of staying at one place!) allows me to negotiate for a much higher salary. Wait what? Why?

Company 1: 2500 euro's

Company 2: 4100 euro's ("This is what a software engineer costs right?" Me: "Yes")

Company 3: 4500 euro's ("How much did you make at your previous company?" Me: "4100 euro's gross" Them: "Hmm, we need proof" Me: sends proof Them: "Okay, we'll make you an offer based on that, it's a bit high on the pay-scale though for your level")

I can't see the forest through the threes here, it just feels like I'm being tossed into a downstream river and whatever randomness happens, I just have to take it.

University isn't like that, at university you can actually shape your path. In real life, I can't shape my path, I feel little agency. I've tried. Right now I'm enjoying a 4 day work week at 80% of my salary, remotely in another European country. I suddenly catapulted myself in a very enviable position. And it's mostly luck and I've happened to have bad luck before. My sense of agency feels crushed, and I feel sad that I belief it. I wonder if it's learned helplessness or whether there's a huge kernel of truth there. With that said, I'm very grateful for what I have.

I don't know what to make of it anymore. I simply try to get by and have a lot of empathy and sympathy for people who've lost their way. I don't understand how some people can say "I chose to do xyz." How do they have so much agency?