Ask HN: How do you maintain healthy hormonal/psychological balance?
Sorry this is going to be erratic 'cause I'm about to implode.

I don't know when this started, but I've only become more aware of it in recent years, probably after I got out of a recent depressive episode.

Prior to that episode, I was probably under chronic stress and tension and low-lying depression. Since the episode, I feel like I'm at an entirely new stage of growth. I finally feel sane and have some emotional stability. But with this relative stability comes my anxiousness whenever I "fall off" this stability.

In general I feel like I'm almost entirely driven by impulse, or at least reactivity. There are obviously certain things I do routinely that aren't impulsive, like going to work and making dinner. But outside of these routines, I feel like I'm constantly needing some sort of "drug" to keep me going. Often it's some sort of hormone-hit from novelty or from getting validation/attention.

Take for example when I started posting on HN a little while ago. Once I did a few Ask-HN's, I couldn't stop. Almost everyday (sometimes twice a day), I'd think of something to ask, and then desperately watch my posts to see how many people responded. The same goes for comments; I'd watch to see if anyone thinks what I said is smart or whatever. After a month I ran out of fuel and stopped posting here. But then my attention switched to Discord where I was beginning to make some friends. It was super exciting to be hanging out and chatting away with like-minds. Both HN and Discord made me really happy, I don't think I've been this happy my entire life, to finally feel seen and validated for being a weirdo. But after the novelty wore off, and the chatting slowed, I find myself struggling again with this immensely painful feeling of emptiness. And the weird thing is, I'm friggin' 30 already. Not a teenager. And I have a very loving and supportive partner at home whom I talk with regularly.

Another thing about me that may be odd is that I barely consume any content. Very little social media, I don't watch youtube, I don't even browse the web anymore. And it's not deliberate or through "discipline": I've stripped these away over time simply because I don't find them interesting enough. And, I'm almost too self-aware (or self-critical) in the sense that I think I'm wasting my time doing these things, so I stop.

The only thing I think I've had some "success" with, is some sort of intellectual exploration, reading up and investigating certain topics that I'm intrigued by. But even this was somewhat impulsive, because I could never focus on reading something I've planned on reading, but can only "chase my curiosity" in the moment. While not necessarily unhealthy, it's not very constructive. But at least it's more self-directed and not so externally-driven like the social activities on HN/Discord.

Anyway, sorry it's all over the place. I think my problem is not being able to find something that reliably provides the right kind and amount of stimulation and engagement. But I also feel that I may be setting the bar too high for these activities, being self-critical that I'm not using my time wisely. I also think part of the problem was looking too much to externally-dependent activities, like HN/Discord. But I also don't want to go back to isolation, like I had been for so many years.

I don't really know my question, I just know I've got problems and no solution.

NOTE: Please don't tell me to get a therapist. I'll seek them out when I'm ready. There's just too much to explain.