Hey! I was kinda hoping no one would find out..! But yeah, thanks for caring. I really appreciate it. :)

> And goes without saying: please do continue posting to HN, I don't think anyone minds the posts.

Thank you for this reassurance. It's definitely one of my big worries.

To be completely honest, I've been observing my own behaviour a lot and was wondering what to make of it all. I'm actually writing an essay about this right now (I write essays to process and make sense of my messy thoughts and feelings), but maybe I'll share some of it here:

As you've noticed, I've got a lot of things running through my head most of the time. Usually it's relatively calm, but there are definitely times that I am almost entirely overwhelmed by mixtures of positive and negative thoughts and feelings. It's kinda weird that, I'm only starting to notice this anxiousness more this past year, after I came out of a pretty serious depressive episode. Prior to that I was basically numbed out for many years, like a low-lying depression if that's a thing.

The thing is, for the entirety of my 30 years alive, I don't think I've ever felt like I had any real friends. I had "friends" from school etc, but none that I felt all that connected with. And certainly none of them were interested in the things I'm interested in. The only person I can talk to is my partner of 10 years; she's very supportive and smart and a great bouncing board for me. But there was always a void in me in terms of social life.

Things changed entirely when I started participating on HN a month ago. All of a sudden, there were people willing to listen (to a certain extent of course), there were people talking to me, people who were respectful and honest and constructively critical and generous in sharing their goodwill. I don't think I've ever been this excited before (!!!!). But with that excitement, comes a shitload of anxiety, because now I'm really concerned with whether these amazing people will like me, and whether I am annoying them or putting them off in any way. Every Ask HN becomes an experiment, a data-point on how this place operates. And intellectually, each response I get spawns multiple directions of potential lines of inquiry, inspiring the next few posts. Repeat this for a few weeks, and this is where I am now, culminating with this specific Ask HN post.

I'm really happy to be where I am now. I've met a handful of like-minded folks already, I've received amazing advice and short-term "mentorship" from a few, and my intellectual projects are finally moving forward. Realistically, I do need to start slowing down and calming down. Hopefully this particular post will smooth the transition.

In terms of seeking help, it's not really something I want to do. I've seen doctors and was prescribed low-dose SSRIs, but I didn't take them, for fear of side-effects. I'm a stubborn one when it comes to these things; I really want to be able to deal with it myself. Not because I want to be all tough and independent, but because I genuinely believe in figuring out myself in a holistic way, to learn to work with my peculiar tendencies rather than against them.

I'm at a much better place than I was a few years ago, knee deep in depression and unable to get anything done (story for another time). Now most things in life are relatively stable, and I'm hoping to continually move forward and improve my well-being.

Crap that was long. Thanks for caring, again, and for reading this far (if anyone did).