I have been steadily suicidal for a long time and have not completed it.

No help is requested or required.

I am now 100% unsheltered and in survival mode. I didnt sleep last night due to this.

I am charging my phone at a food establishment here. Then I need to decide between unsheltered sleep and use the last of my cash for a rope, which will be a waste since I am scared to face death.

I've bought and discarded complete, 100% planned inert gas setups with regulator, bag, etc, all planned incl ropes to hold my hands down

I've bought and discarded numerous ropes over the years, most suitable for the less common drop hang.

While I do oscillate, it's only between "suicidal ideation daily" and "i am executing on a plan to attempt completion."

I can count the weeks on one hand where I've gone entirely without suicidal thoughts, since decades ago. It's constant, just varies in intensity and highly situational - eg my shelter is gone and I am back contemplating the end

the thing is. I dont want help, I dont really want any more advice or ideas. Prolonging an unwanted life is burdensome to others; now to kind strangers on hn. It's a pattern that I wish to break but unfortunately I will not seek to rebuild a life again.

This really leaves scraping the bottom to survive while avoiding outright suicide plan follow-thru. right now i am stuck trying to decide between unsheltered homelessness in an unwanted life, in pain anyway, and just getting it over with anyway

__

The fact is, I gave up at age 11. I decided that I would not participate meaningfully in a corrupt society that tolerates abuse and violence. As per the study, leaving these matters unresolved turned out causing me and my loved ones a great deal of pain. When others hurt you, you are responsible for self care unless (and until) civil compensation is sought and awarded. That isn't feasible for children except in egregious cases of intentional harm.

What got me was how the bully increased his ongoing abuse against me once he saw it was hurting me. Behind my back or to my face, "Just teasing you." No, bully, telling me that my parents are garbage, my family is shit, and that I'll grow up to be a serial killer because your abuse hurt me is blatantly malicious. Totally unprovoked multi year bullying, obviously hurting me, no response from teachers -- finally broke me. The truly damaging physical abuse started thereafter. I forgive you, but the damage was extensive, and snowballed into a lifetime of torment inc'h aforementioned extensive physical abuse. I am totally ruined.

The hard reality: it was 100% on me or my family to address my needs to defend against this early on. We are responsible to protect ourselves. You can't expect a school to step up esp when you're in an atheist (non church going fam) in a highly religious/tribal affluent community.

I've gone the other way entirely, self-sabotage and positioning myself to be taken advantage of repeatedly; a theme that plays out consistently, further cementing cynicism about human culture.

Violence in popular culture and justified by national military apparati causes cognitive dissonance in a child who seeks peaceful interactions, but is instead exposed to systemically-condoned violence.