I've struggled with being circumcised for all of my adult life--there isn't a day where I don't think about it and where it isn't painful to me. I'm not sure what aspect of it troubles you the most--the pleasure/function angle doesn't concern me so much; it's unclear what the degree of pleasure difference is (and I think developing from an infant in this condition vs. doing it later in life could result in very different outcomes, pleasure-wise, making discussions with people circumcised as adults not necessarily informative) and sexual pleasure is--at least, for most people--a relatively minor part of life.

What I struggle with is the physical mutilation/branding aspects and the neglect/betrayal from my parents. I am really, truly, disgusted with the whole thing. I find it difficult to look at and come to terms with. I'd like to take part in normal aspects of life involving nudity: for example, say, taking a shower at the gym and I simply cannot--I foster far too much shame over my condition to ever expose myself to anyone except people I know very intimately and it remains difficult even then. I'm even ashamed to undress in front of a doctor--I now live in a country where circumcision is extremely uncommon and I feel as if they--knowing how disgusting and unnecessary and stupid a practice it is--will be my harshest critics and may even confront me over it: "Why are you circumcised?"

To their credit, that's a good question; I've asked my father about it. He told me that having me was always my mother's initiative (she took measures to ensure it to happen without informing my father). He went along with my mother and didn't really think about it and he now agrees with me that it's a terrible practice. I've never spoken to my mother about it--after raising my objections, I think she'd betray me again in seeking self-approval/reassurance and tell others about my objections and how, presumably, it "isn't a big deal".

I think it's easy for me now to claim that non-therapeutically mutilating your baby is so obviously wrong that it shouldn't be considered for even a second. I've read a lot of medical literature on circumcision which was available when I was born (in the 90s)--any reasonably critical reading (without any vested interests) of this literature would lead someone to conclude that it should not be done. It is quite clear that circumcision is a practice that was "justified" medically only after it already achieved widespread acceptance and the medical justifications are bullshit. Quickly--any argument about UTIs is insane: girls experience UTIs in higher frequency than boys yet we're not cutting their labia in prevention. STI arguments are also nonsense: these factors are minor and only come into relevance in adulthood when the individual will be sufficiently mature to make their own decision regarding circumcision. The literature places no value on the foreskin itself: it reads as the procedure under consideration was amputation without ever discussing the utility of having an arm. This process, as well as my current stint in academia, has lead to me to have a deep, deep rooted skepticism of all human endeavors and "expertise". It is so easy to be awe-struck and think that academics and professionals have deep, esoteric understanding and knowledge and a firm grasp on absolute truths that I am (or was once) unaware. More and more I'm coming to the belief that this is bullshit and that we truly are close to being a bunch of monkeys with all the chaos and lack of true understanding that that entails.

I place almost all the blame for my condition on my mother. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do--my father had the power to prevent what occurred (or at least the opportunity to attempt to do so) and did not. But it was my mother's initiative that lead to my existence; she was the true advocate for the procedure. My mother is not a particularly intelligent woman. Is it reasonable for me to blame someone of average intelligence of doing something that, presumably, was recommended to her by the medical staff and was the status quo of the time? The majority of people in my parents' demographic chose circumcision. I'd like to believe that--if I were in my father's position--I'd be sufficiently aware to at least question irreversibly removing part of my child's body and investigate the issue further, upon which I think I would conclude that it should not be done. Yet, plenty of highly intelligent individuals did the same thing as my mother--social norms are a powerful force.

I find it difficult to reconcile my parents' (presumed) love for me as an infant with the fact that they destroyed part of my body. I also believe that they had a duty to protect me and my basic rights; instead they deeply damaged me in a completely voluntary and unnecessary procedure. I'm immature and emotional about the whole thing to a degree. While I place all the blame on my mother, I know that this is likely an unfair allocation of blame. And when I say I place the blame on my mother, what I really mean is I hate her. I really fucking hate my mother for what she did to me. I refuse to speak to her, I refuse any interaction with her whatsoever. I actually perceive her as a scary and horrifying figure in my life; her image is a recurring theme in nightmares, drug-induced bad trips, and so on. My mother is a bad person regardless of her choice of having circumcised me and I wouldn't like her regardless--but this issue truly makes me deeply, deeply hate and despise her. It feels like I need something to blame and to focus my frustrations/shame/guilt on and she's become the target for all those feelings.

Sorry for turning this comment turned into a long-winded unsolicited personal history. Sometimes it just helps to write it all out, I guess. I'm sorry you find yourself in a similarly unfortunate condition.