What happened to me in 2020 was even weirder. I'd worked from home for 15 years and always managed my time well before the pandemic. I always wanted to get my work done as quickly as possible, because I had built up a work/reward system where I would go out at the end of the day, meet up with friends, socialize, or just sit outside a cafe and read a book. I never had to worry about deadlines because I was always way ahead of schedule.

In 2020, the deadlines vanished - my contracts all didn't want anything in a hurry, because they were in no hurry to pay. And so did my entire structure of social life. So suddenly I had way too much time.

I always thought if I had that much time, I'd pick up painting again, or record some new music, or just read all the books I'd been waiting to get to. But 2020 showed me a new problem:

If you pick up that book, said my mind, you'll just get trapped in it all night.

If you start painting you'll blow the whole day.

So I'd panic-read news for an hour, work an hour, panic read some more, get drunk, worry, walk circles, forget I was doing laundry, mop the floor, forget I was mopping the floor, and literally never sit down and just lose myself to anything.

This actually went on for almost 2 full years, and it's been the least creative time of my life; I'm only just starting to get over it. I bought myself a new laptop, a drawing tablet, art supplies, a new guitar, and got my piano tuned. And I still jump from one to another thing like a crazed monkey. When I fall into one thing, it goes all night and I feel like a wreck the next morning, with no useful result. A couple songs, a couple paintings, and they bring me memories of this oppressive, crazed, all-night insanity and bottles of wine I shouldn't have drunk. Then I go sober for a few days and bury myself into work, burn myself to the ground. Try to make $2k a day, burn burn burn. Look up and it's dark; I haven't gone out.

I went out, a bunch, between Delta and Omicron. I'm triple vaxed but I'm at the point where I'd kick myself forever if I got long covid because I lapsed and went out to shoot pool or hang out with friends.

I've read so many articles lately about this ...procrastination... I don't think it's the right word. What we are is afraid of the future, and every day has to be divided up into smaller and smaller pieces just to make sure you're sort of trying to take care of your mind. So you listen to your podcasts or you do something that you know won't take up all day because all day is too much commitment.

Sobering up adds 4 hours, I know that. But then I just play video games and try to forget I want a drink. It might actually be better in prison, since your options for what to do are so limited. I'd have to finish the book, or keep writing, or finish the code I was writing on the wall.

I was always sure I was better than almost any freelancer I ever met at managing my time, balancing work and life. But it turns out my balance did require having a life; now I do my work in this endless slog, with jack shit to look forward to. What good is money if you can't spend it. But I'm not okay with rejoining the human viral zoo right now and I'm not sure if or when I will be.