Due to my constant struggle with a worsening depression, 8 months ago my partner of 10 years left me. She couldn't handle it anymore. Everyone gives you advice on how to deal with breakups, and it feels like it's directed at people in 2 or 4 or 6 year relationships. Don't talk to your ex, work on yourself, find things that make you happy, reconnect with your friends... In my case my partner was the last thing keeping me above water. And that was too much of a struggle for her. I don't blame her for leaving. I just wish she didn't have to. But she did have to. I was bad for her.

Part of depression, for me, is that you never feel like yourself. Your words and actions don't match with who you want to be. I think it's hard to describe to someone without depression what it means to NEVER feel happy. To see the look on someone's face when they turn to you full of joy and then they realize that you aren't. To live in a pit of constant self hatred and fear because one day you're afraid you're going to snap and kill yourself and hurt the people around you who made the stupid choice to value your presence. To watch yourself crumble away as things get worse inside of you because things outside of you are getting better, and you're terrified of that. I remember times that I would say mean-spirited, hurtful comments about things she liked or did for no reason. I would see the hurt in her eyes and feel ashamed, and I would hate myself more for lashing out at someone who didn't hurt me in the first place. When I wasn't being thoughtlessly mean, I tried to be open and explain the darkness inside me, and it was horrifying to explain that there's a void inside you that nothing--not even your beloved partner--can fill. Eventually, I began avoiding talking at all, because I couldn't trust the words that came out of my mouth to not cause harm, but when I did that, all she felt was me withdrawing even more. How could I tell her I loved her when I kept hurting her? My words felt empty, even to me. I became a husk of myself, and it scarred her beyond repair.

The author of this article seems very kind, and maybe the person with depression in their life has a milder form than what I'm dealing with. The point I'm trying to make is that the author doesn't even make it sound half as terrible as it actually was for her. I was terribly emotionally abusive, not in the way that media portrays it where I'm a possessive, malicious actor trying to actively cause harm to my partner to keep them entangled with me, but in the sense that I was just an endless pit of unhappiness and no matter how much joy and love we tried to pour into me, it was never enough. Towards the end of things I began sabotaging our relationship, consciously or unconsciously I don't know, because I wanted her to be free of me. She ended up living with the torment that I live in because my emptiness can expand seemingly endlessly, and she deserved better.

Maybe this post is more of a personal confession than actual advice, but if I had to think of advice, I would say seriously consider the psilocybin therapy option. I went on a few solo trips since my relationship ended and it has made significant headway into my headspace--at least enough headway to be able to recognize and understand the things I have talked about in this post (I wasn't nearly so clearheaded at the time and could never have explained any of these thoughts to her then!), And they have stopped the suicidal urges. I wish I had done it sooner, maybe I would have been able to save my budding family from falling apart. I had been scared of "drugs" prior to then due to my upbringing, but they aren't anything like how the media depicts them.

If you're depressed and in a relationship: do anything you can to get help now, before you get worse. Don't make my mistake and think that traditional efforts will work "eventually." Eventually isn't good enough when you're hurting the people around you.