I'm 34 and I only figured out what I want to do with my life at the end of 2019.

I dropped out of high school in 2005 and I worked in food service for a couple years. Then I worked at a summer job installing home security systems.

After that, I was offered a job at my family's small business running errands, shipping & receiving, and IT duties. I figured I'd work there for a couple years then transition into what I actually wanted to do-- software development.

I ended up working there 10 years and in that time I became miserable. It was never my choice to work there long term, but it was comfy and the pay was good so I stayed.

I felt babied and rarely challenged in my duties because I was the bosses son. I developed a co-dependency that left me indecisive and without boundaries. I didn't make my own choices, I would ignore whatever decisions and I had until my dad made them for me.

I quit that job thinking that any other job in the world would fix my problems. I worked at a gun holster manufacturing company, a company that stocks beer on shelves at grocery stores, an automotive parts delivery company, a packaged food plant, an airport, and two other offices doing IT work. Each time, I would flake and quit between 1 day and 3 months.

I got to the point where I was so ashamed of myself, my lack of commitment and grit, that I wanted to take my own life.

I did what was really hard at the time and I sought therapy. I had a rough time at the health clinic when I told them about my suicidal thoughts... It felt like the whole place went into lockdown because I didn't explain myself properly and they seemed to think that I was about to kill myself right then and there...

Anyway, It's been almost 2 years of weekly therapy calls, group therapy, attending two different codependency support groups, and discovering my spirituality and who I want to be.

The whole time I was skipping between jobs what I realized I was doing was I was taking whatever shit job was available, even though my desire to do that job was zero. I would smile and tell the boss that I wanted to work there, but that was just me lying to them and to myself.

What broke that cycle was lots of long walks and me getting to the point where I decided that I was going to land my dream job, or die.

I know now that that's not the healthiest way to look at the situation, but that's how it started out.

On my long walks, I thought about what I liked doing and what I would do if I didn't have to work.

I figured out that I didn't want to work. I didn't want a job, I didn't want a career. I wanted a lifestyle.

These days, I'm selling things on eBay. I mainly buy bulk exclusive Japanese goods from shipping forwarders, photograph and resell them to the US market.

It's a lot of work, I work too much, but for the first time I feel like I'm in charge of my life, and I'm doing something that I chose. I'm struggling to pay my rent every month, but I'm happy and I see opportunity for growth every day.

I'm building a website on the side, putting my other skills to good use. Something to help me and help my customers track their trading card collections and find cards that they are looking for. I like to think of what I do as, "Software development with a merchandise business model" and that really works for me. It's the exact lifestyle that I have been looking for!

ktnxbai