mattman, I have been through something very similar. I'm a long time developer who has made great sacrifices to put my own plans on the back burner and move back to my hometown to care for my mother with Alzheimer's. It is the most important thing I've ever done. We are both doing exactly the right thing. You should be proud.

A few thoughts...

I have no idea who I am anymore professionally

You are the same person you've always been. You have lost nothing. It may not seem that way right now because you haven't exercised your work muscles for a while, but what we do, like riding a bike, is NOT forgotten. It just needs to become active again. Once you start working again, you will remember pretty much everything and you will most definitely remember who you are professionally.

In addition, one of the most important qualities for anyone in our field is not just what we know, but how well we can learn new stuff. You have already done this; you will do it again. Your skills may become a little outdated but it doesn't matter. You will learn new stuff just like you've done many times before.

I had to move back home to a relatively inactive area - no tech scene, no innovators, no night life, no forward-thinking, no excitement.

Ten years ago, this may have been a problem, but now you can let the wonders of modern technology help overcome a lot of these issues. Use Hacker News for your tech scene, innovators, and forward-thinking. Frankly, these things are overrated in real life. Not so sure about night life; you'll have to find a way to solve that one.

If you have too much trouble finding appropriate local work, remote options are wonderful for people like you and me. Use one of the many remote opportunity posts here on Hacker News to find something. Anyone reading this with a remote opportunity for mattman should contact him off-line to explore the possibilities. mattman, you should fill out your profile to help others help you.

As far as your parents are concerned, please understand that there are incredible options available to you and your family. Attendants can come to your home. There are wonderful adult day care centers. And most importantly, assisted living and nursing homes are NOT to be avoided; they should be embraced if they are the appropriate option. Moving my mother into a nursing home was the best thing we ever did for all concerned. We just didn't realize it until after we had to make the move.

There must be all kinds of resouces in your community, including financial. You just have to go out and find them. Your parents are your new start-up. Your goal is NOT to take care of them; it must be to be an entrepreneur and put people in place to do that for you. I don't know where to start in your community, but get started. Ask anyone and have them point you to the help and the money you are entitled to. We all paid in for this; now is the time for you to use it for what it was intended. Don't let your parents talk you out of what you must do, the roles have been completely reversed. Now is the time for tough love. Do what you must to make this successful for everyone.

Forget about the rest of your family. If they can support you, great. If not, ignore them. They don't matter. Please understand that this advice comes from hard-earned experience. Don't make the same mistakes as me and expect more from others than you're likely to receive.

You are doing the right thing and you will come out of this stronger than ever. Keep your head up, do what you have to do, and eventually get your life back. Contact me off-line if you wish.

Best wishes, mattman!