Oh, everyone knows I have a genetic disorder. Most people don't give a damn and I would really rather make it on merit anyway, so that's generally where I try to put my time and effort.

I just get frustrated seeing that some people can just say "Hey, world, my life sucks. Wanna cut me a little slack here?" and that sometimes actually works. It doesn't for me. I seem to get actively kicked in the teeth no matter what I do.

I've worked my ass off to get healthier to try to make my life work. There's no acknowledgement of that. I get told I'm making that up and insane and a teller of tall tales. Meanwhile, there's also pretty much zero compassion for "Wow, her condition is incurable and doesn't qualify for disability. Sucks to be her!"

And if I say anything about the whole thing (on Hacker News), I get downvotes or actively attacked most of the time. If I talk about sexism here, I get attacked for that as well and told that couldn't possibly be a factor in my persistent poverty, no. Being able to rebut ridiculous assertions makes no difference either. They come up with some new excuse to dismiss me and blame me and so on.

There's always some excuse why loads of "good people" neither have compassion for my dilemma nor think I deserve an income based on merit. Nor does it work to rebut more general BS and point out the fact that most well-heeled, high paid programmers basically think writers should be slave labor and work for free. They don't want ads on the internet. They don't want tip jars. They don't want pay walls. I used to routinely get told "Get a real job" like I'm just lazy or something, as if writing isn't a real skill with value.

Etc. Ad nauseum.

I just would like this ferris wheel to stop so I can get off of it. But that seems impossible as well. I know for an absolute fact that some of the amazingly shitty, abusive people I have tried to walk away from still cyberstalk me.

What the world has historically done to people like me is murder them. Pointing out the undeniably bad behavior of other people doesn't remedy it. They kill people for that rather than take a look in the mirror and go "They're right. I am doing that and it's wrong. I should do something else."

And I don't know how to somehow magically just not be me. I didn't choose this. This isn't remotely the life I want. I pretty much basically want anything else but this. If I could make it as a waitress who never spent another minute online, I would do that in a heartbeat, but I can't because of my genetic disorder. That's just not possible.

I don't want to be telling people "You're full of crap and you make it impossible for people like me to make their lives work." I just don't have some way out of A. being me and B. the sucktastic fact that my life simply doesn't work and a large part of the reason for that is because "hell is other people."

And I don't really want to be leaving this comment either, but I don't know what else to do. It's "wrong" and "bad" to speak my mind on such subjects but silence doesn't change anything. Trying to say nothing about the issues I see and just trying to forge ahead and make it on merit doesn't get me anywhere. All it does is put me in a psychological pressure cooker that threatens my sanity. It's a form of gaslighting for the world to make it abundantly clear that talking about how I experience life is Verboten because it makes other people uncomfortable.