I'm a senior SRE now software developer building infrastructure with a decade of experience and an engineering degree.

I'm also a woman.

When I mentor serious younger women coming into these challenging but rewarding jobs I always tell them:

HR is not your friend.

They are not there to protect you. They are there to protect the organization. If they see you as a liability, and they often do over the man being complained about, they will find a way to get rid of you.

If I told you the experiences I've been through, I would get bombarded by a bunch of white conservative males on this site telling me I'm making it up, so I don't even bother.

In reality, the whole diversity in tech thing is a marketing scheme for these big companies. But once they hire you don't speak...don't have opinions. Put your head down and do your job. They don't actually care about you beyond their ability to print a picture of you on their website but if you dare cause trouble you are out. They could not care the least about your long term career development beyond their ability to market you externally. Behind closed doors, HR will gaslight you and kick you out if things are actually bad. The only bigger slap in the face this could possibly be beyond that is the people sitting across the table from you justifying why what you're telling them isn't a big deal or trying to gaslight you or trying to turn the tables on you are mostly women. Women who are rewarded for shutting up and doing what men want them to do at the expense of everyone else, and they have no clue nor do they want to of what it's really like to be a women on the other side of the fence in a male dominated environment.

HR is not your friend. If you are a woman and having issues with males at your company the answer is to get the hell out as quickly as possible without them knowing beforehand. Especially if other people observe the negative experiences you do and don't say anything it means You cannot change the culture and trying to at the expense of your career should not be the hill you die on. Some men also just don't believe women should speak in meetings at all period. It's an unspoken rule and I've unfortunately only ever had this problem with managers who are makes from countries where womens rights aren't respected.

We in tech cumulatively cannot even begin to comprehend the permanent damage we've set in place and invisible barriers for decades to come we've set up by allowing men who don't respect women as equals to participate in the workforce. It should be a requirement but I can tell you as the least of my woes I have worked for two men who do not believe women should speak, ever, and I have been severely punished in my career for challenging this. You cannot begin to imagine....

If you find yourself unhappy. Whatever you do do not go to HR. They are sick. They are mostly evil. They are the kind of woman who work at Microsoft and tell women behind closed doors it's ok to sit in a man's lap at work when he asks you to especially if he's your superior and after it gets leaked publicly they stand on stage pretend to be sorry and pretend to fix it (they never do). This is what HR is. I have been bullied by HR. I have sat across the desk from a woman in HR who made a fraction of what I did at the time decked out in designer bought by the man she was dating, my superior at work and ignored me. I cannot even begin to describe the level of ice cold HR is. They are the bitches incarnate of this world.

Your goal if you are a female in tech is to make sure HR forgets you exist after they hire you.

If you find yourself unhappy. Do not go to HR. Do not try to make things better at your expense if the other party isn't trying. Apply elsewhere agressively and gtfo.

Take yourself out to a nice bar. Buy yourself some drinks. Rest all weekend. Wake up on Monday and turn in your two weeks notice after negociating up a better salary elsewhere because if you are a women in tech and work hard and actually have skills there are many companies who also have shitty HR because it is the standard but atleast have cultures so much better the likliehood you need to go to HR is pretty nonexistent.

Never...never go to HR. They are not there for you. They are not your friend.