Some breakthroughs I had on my two 10-day silent Vipassana retreats that I did...

Every individual has their own distinct perception of "me". Additionally, my perception of their perception of me is almost definitely incorrect and moreso a reflection of my thoughts. Conclusion : why waste energy trying to play roles based on how I think people see me when it's highly unlikely to be true? There's an interesting novel called "One, No one and One Hundred Thousand" by Luigi Pirandello that touches on this! I also have stopped trying to define the people around me by their physical appearance or habits because I want to encourage them to feel like they can be fluid around me.

Similar to above, I had this revelation that I was putting energy into so many irrational habits just to try to please others. Holidays are a good example. I refused to participate in these traditions that were stressing us all out every damn year. It took me quite a while to actually find a compromise here because I wasn't going to give some arrogant speech to my family that they had to abide by my way, so for quite a while I just attended but hardly participated in the circus. I also no longer just buy random presents for people simply for the reason that I don't want to hurt their feelings if I don't. I've started being more creative and personal with my gifts. It was a bumpy road, I definitely offended some, but it has made the whole experience so much more fulfilling and valuable.

Something else that was interesting is I noticed how vocal I am when I feel shitty as a way to comfort myself and feel secure. I got the shits for a few days during one of the retreats and I didn't want to break the silence unless it was really necessary. I remember thinking crazy stuff like "what if I pass out on the toilet from dehydration and everyone just thinks the bathroom is always occupied when they pass by and I die?" Haha, I hardly ever complain now to people when I feel ill. I usually just analyze the sensation.

Finally, it was just crazy to see my body through that lens of just feeling sensation. Like one day someone mentioned during a group meeting that they were feeling their gums and even their teeth. Next time I meditated I focused on them and was like "Holy shit!! How have I never felt these before?!" (note: it's not TOTALLY silent, you talk once a day briefly in group and have the option to ask questions after lunch to the meditator for your gender who is overseeing the retreat.)

I consider all of these revelations to have kind of become integral to who I am, so in that sense they're benefits have been permanent. I have dealt with Hashimoto's thyroiditis in the past so the energy I save from not doing irrational habits has made a huge difference. I still have some issues in that realm, but I am always learning and improving more about myself based off my new way of observing myself.

I will say one thing that's important though. After my meditation I actually became quite depressed. This was largely due to having gotten a parasite (giardia) from traveling. After I took the medicine, which seemingly nuked my microbiome off the face of the earth, I suffered an immense cognitive dissonance. Despite having had all these revelations on the "surface" of my mind, it took a much longer time for me to modify my habits, which carried a lot of momentum with them, especially situationally, e.g., how you act differently when you're with a friend you grew up with. It really depressed me to watch myself performing old habits that were at odds with this new mindset. This took me years to come to terms with and I still have periods of difficulty, but I'm finally closing the gap between my thoughts and my actions and I'm way more forgiving and understanding to myself. Hashimoto's definitely made this more difficult. Ayahuasca helped me out a ton with these difficulties.

By the way, the Vipassana retreats I did (started by S.N. Goenka) are totally free! You get a room and fed 3x a day. They're all over the world too. You can go to www.dhamma.org to sign up if you're interested. You can donate at the end if you'd like. I personally think aspects of the teaching are a bit antiquated, but overall I'm really glad I did them.

(edited this a decent amount for clarity, almost gave up on posting because it was getting hectic, but I think it's coherent enough!)