I missed this before, as it was posted long after the original comment.

> pushy parent

This is funny. Other parents at the playground (back when playgrounds were open) are constantly telling me how unusually non-pushy I am (sometimes critically, sometimes admiringly). Example: “I’m glad to have you as a reference for how laid back a parent can be with kids still doing okay, so I won’t feel so bad when my immigrant inlaws give me trouble for being too lax with my kids.”

I admit I have been pushier than I would like recently when it comes to the kid running down the hallway at 1 AM (which causes complaints from the neighbors downstairs), shoving or hitting his 1-year-old brother (which makes me more anxious than it probably should), or wanting to dump yet another bunch of toys on a floor already covered by the previous two bunches of toys.

> books that clearly require more mental effort than is okay for his/her age

What are you talking about? We read those stories which the kid enjoys (sometimes over and over, at his insistence), and stop reading those which he does not.

If he finds the content of a book to be too over his head, too boring, too scary, ... then we set the book aside. (For example, recently William Steig’s Dominic was too scary, and St. Exupéry’s The Little Prince was too abstract.) We might try to return to those in a year when his tastes and abilities have changed, but at that point might decide to leave them aside for another year.

He is the one who most wants to spend a lot of time reading together. I just indulge that desire because I enjoy it too.

Why do you think listening to chapter books as a 3-year-old requires a “more than okay” level of mental effort?

> play 'logic' games that he/she can get no joy from

Huh? I bought a bunch of logic games because I personally enjoyed the first two I tried, for myself. Some of them are targeted at age 3+; others say age 8+ (and are enjoyable for adults). But those numbers are at least somewhat arbitrary, based on the age at which it would be appropriate to hand a not-otherwise-prepared child the puzzle with minimal additional direction/support, and leave them to figure it out for themselves.

The 3.5 year old really likes playing the puzzle games! They are fun and interesting. Some he likes to do mostly by himself. Some he likes to help me with. If the challenges get frustrating, we set those aside and do something else instead.

I promise you that we are not doing any puzzles which “he can not understand” or which he “can get no joy from”.

> relentless need for him to raise up to these arbitrary standards

There is no relentless need for anything, and no standard, arbitrary or otherwise. We just introduce a wide variety of tools, materials, and activities, and let him engage with them at his own pace.

> stealing his/her childhood

What do you consider to be a “not stolen” childhood? Parents leaving their kids entirely to their own devices and not engaging when the kids want to do things together? Parents leaving their kids in front of animated TV or iPad games for hours per day? Parents leaving kids with only a few toys/materials because they don’t want them to gain experience with a broad variety too fast? Whatever happens to be on offer from the nearest preschool?

Recently the 3.5 year old spends at least half of his time playing independently with whatever toys he feels like – his younger brother takes a lot of adult attention too – and unfortunately (due to Covid-19 shelter in place) we are stuck inside away from other people instead of visiting the playground for a few hours or walking around the neighborhood chatting with all of the nearby retail/restaurant staff, as we used to do before lockdown times.

It’s frustrating that we can’t get together with other kids of the same age too much right now. (I’m sure things are even harder for older kids; 3-year-olds are just starting to make friends and learning to play together with other kids, but for a 7- or 10-year-old being stuck away from friends must be really tough.)

* * *

With repeated practice and a little bit of help/guidance kids can learn all sorts of skills to a quite high level.

Witness the enjoyment and rapid improvement of Shinichi Suzuki’s young violin students or Mona Brookes’s young drawing students. These are ordinary children, given a little bit of structure and guidance, put in an environment where practicing a little bit every day or a few times a week is enjoyable, and then allowed to flourish for themselves.

It doesn’t take any draconian pressure, just enough adult time and attention to make a space for it.