I got diagnosed at 24 with ADHD-PI after being the “brilliant but lazy kid” who dropped out of Community College after being put on SSRIs for depression(mostly as a result of feeling like such a failure after being told since I was a child that school would get interesting in college, and it didn’t, the SSRIs made me lose all interest in everything), subsequently taking a full-time job, and having a co-worker suggest I might have ADD.

This article spoke to me, I bookmarked it and will probably recommend other people around me read it. I was especially moved by the parts about being traumatized by people treating you like you’re a bad person. Made me realize that I’m trying to fight off a depressive episode currently that was probably made significantly worse by my former lover(the breakup/cheating being what caused the episode) constantly acting this way, despite knowing I had ADD.

One part sticks out though as being overly optimistic,

> “and even if you stop taking them or can't get them later you'll still have those accomplishments. Maybe the emotional impact of seeing yourself finally achieving things will be so encouraging that it'll eradicate your feeling that you can't accomplish anything - speaking from experience, it will.”

I have to put this in context: So a little over a year ago I lost my job, I had been able to, thanks to adderall, move up to a pretty good position at a small business, that very unfortunately went belly up due to a new landlord who no longer wanted said business in their space and an inability to move due to the business being effectively grandfathered in. About a year later, as part of my breakup I suddenly lost my place of living and as a result, my new semi-decent job. Even with my good job I had been mostly priced out of psychiatric medicine for a couple of years. I didn’t get employer based health insurance, and individual ACA insurance has been getting more expensive every year. This was fine at first, which made me not make the necessary sacrifices to keep myself medicated, but over time my symptoms regressed. I’m now making like 20% of what I was when I was medicated and the hill to get back to a satisfactory career position feels utterly monumental.

I now feel effectively trapped by my ADHD, which is completely resistant to being fixed by healthy routines. Since I broke up and moved back in with my parents I’ve been exercising daily— lifting weights and running—have a pretty amazing diet, meditate, have a group of old friends to socialize with, have good sleep hygiene, and after 4 months of all this I’m still struggling to improve my situation, I’m still depressed, my ADHD is as bad as ever and I’ve made basically no headway in terms of reestablishing a career. And the fact that when I was on adderall I was the me I’d always wanted to be, able to start (and finish!) things I wasn't interested in, not waste (mountains of) time losing things and keep track of time effectively is now completely out of my reach, really brings me down, a lot.

I SO BADLY want to update my website and work on a software/tech project. I’ve even gotten as far as figuring an original project out, doing research and wire framing the design. But I’m now stuck in analysis paralysis and my road to Getting There(tm) keeps shifting. I should obviously get on benefits, I paid into the system and deserve unemployment, but every time I’ve tried to get on it there’s problems. I‘m on Medi-Cal but apparently I need an office visit to get reregistered in my new county, I ironically got my benefits card after I got kicked out, after a 6 month process; ADHD makes signing up and getting benefits a nightmare, I’m constantly forgetting to do the next step or miss an appointment. Doubly bad when you’re depressed as I struggle with feeling persecuted.

I recognize I’m really an asset in the workplace but I need to make moves to find a job and prove my skills. I see people’s job hunt infographics where they apply to like 100’s of companies, and it’s honestly baffling to me, it takes me the better part of a day to tune my resume and write a cover letter I’m happy with.