Alright so here I go, within a total of 20 seconds of skimming though your resume as any HR would:

1) I would update your career objective as it has a few limitations. the only thing to keep should be "To become a Software Developer in an exciting atmosphere"

Could need some TLC though, maybe:
"Aspirations to become a "specific job title" in order to propel myself in the professional career of software development."

2) when writing points remember to answer the "what" the benefit was ex: "Developed software for analyzing large sets of data"

- developed what type of software?
- analyzed what type of data?
- what was the benefit?

So your point could become: "Developed an algorithm for the CS department which analyzed large sets of student record data in order to successfully predict student behavior"

3) remove this part: "Various: Cashier, Stockboy, Waiter, Bartender, Valet"

You are telling HR that you like to work two jobs at once.
They only want you to be focused at one thing. Also this is not relevant to your profession thus it works against you.

4) Join a few meetup groups too, there are many free ones around your city. find them on meetup.com related to software development. Then include them in your resume replacing your interests section with it.

5) This line should be removed: "I'm at home on the
command line and regularly write scripts or use crazy shell commands to automate work"

This whole section should be compiled into a chart consisting of languages, platforms, and OS thats it. 3 rows and two columns. (no fancy talk)

6) It seems you have took a portion of your cover letter and squeezed it under "Expertise" on your resume. This should be in your cover letter. (they are cool)

7) I would not use points which don't relate to programming such as: "Fulfilled student and staff needs by working at my dormitory's front desk"

Think of working at a programming job which also got you to mop floors and wax shoes. Now when you apply for another job, you really wouldn't want to mention the violent mopping and aggressive shoe waxing, right? same thing. If you need points to replace those in your resume keep reading my points below.

8) I don't see any self management points such as estimations, work breakdown structures, checklists, tech release notes or even mention of process or best practices. Don't forget to mention these as you may have used some sort of deliverables or even sat with a manager to talk about the best way to proceed. Use it as best practice discussions and ongoing process improvement.

9) remove the work "Hacker". not every startup knows what this means. especially the HR rep who works at these startups. I'm in IT and it still pulls the word "criminal" in my mind.

10) also include some points on how you managed your career path within the organizations along with educational paths. Leverage the names of thought leaders in your specific industry.

other than that don't forget to expand on every related point as stated in #2.

Also don't forget to volunteer your programming efforts so that you can use some of it on your resume. join Odesk or Elance and get paid for small gigs. plus you can put these on your resume if your lacking experience.

good luck

PS. I'm awesome!