For me some bullying received and some shitty behaviour intended to secure other than the lowest rung on the dominance hierarchy... I was for the most part withdrawn child through high school...

Today I have sons I have watched them go through beginning adolescence. Noted that there is a fair amount of friction that builds up when boys (and sometimes girls) hang out and play. When it is ok we call it "rough housing" when it crosses a line bullying. Even with each other there is a kind of play which starts as a tickle fight and ends up with WWA moves. Aggression is a natural behaviour and in itself is not bad. It seems crucial to focus it and give it an outlet. In their grammar school they would get week long bullying programs but nowhere in that is what to do for exploding energy they feel inside.

I thought of BJJ, they idea was if they were going to act like young Randy Coutures they should know how not to hurt each other. It wasn't really for self defense or confidence. After a few years in it I am happy in a number of ways. One is that I followed them in - it looked like so much fun I started about 6 months or so after them. It is not a striking discipline so there are no punches or kicks. It comes out of judo but there is less standing and throwing. And after a good class you feel wrung out. Like most of the muscles in your body have been activated. It's weird to say this but there is something about nonsexual contact with others. It is relaxing. I have noted when I am on the NYC subway after class - I do not mind the jostling and bags jammed in the back quite as much. (A lot of the joke names for BJJ note this: "involuntary couples yoga"; "pajama wrestling"; "the art of folding clothes with people still in them".) You break through a barrier with strangers that you would not normally breach. And afterwards you are not strangers.

I think my boys are calmer and more relaxed. Also around girls as there are a few girls in BJJ that can legitimately kick ass. When I watch their classes I see how the teacher actively pushes them to take care of each other. The general idea is you don't hurt your training partners so they will be around tomorrow to do it again. Train hard and safe. It can be done and is a core ethic in BJJ. My younger son came home in tears as he had one ofhis stripes taken off his belt. He was submitting another kid and they refused to tap. My son continued and hurt the kid (luckily nothing broken). Teacher yelled at my son insisting he understand how to stop before the opponent gets hurt.

I realized that BJJ might be good for bullies. Not the 0.01% of actual budding psychopaths but the rest of us full of energy needing to be expressed. We think of martial arts for the bullied - and they can be. But something like BJJ might help some folks not be bullies.

I would never say "everyone should do BJJ" nor anything for that matter. But I wonder how much excessively bottled aggression and energy could be focused into something like BJJ that teaches you how to express it in a way that is not about humiliation and dominance. BJJ is humbling. There is someone out there that is 50 pounds lighter and a few inches shorter and they can put you in difficult positions. Then you scratch your head and try again and maybe get a little better. These are good lessons for kids to learn. Wish I had learned them.