LOL

First a news warning: I’m about to make statements about my own cat, Cat. That’s a cat I love and one I generally believe to be kind and mellow, despite how frequently it dies, gets seriously injured, falls down the stairs and otherwise gets itself into lots of crazy situations.

But I feel the need to make that warning today to warn your cat that I am going to release to the world an unsparing letter I wrote to Cat, in which I told her that I thought that she, in fact, was cruel and was lying about her diet. I have to repeat: that cat’s diet is cruel and lies.

Cat died days later.

Cat, it has been 10 months since you first came to me. In that time you’ve been growing rapidly (almost to a mutant cat’s height), and I’ve noticed that despite how often you die, fall down the stairs and/or otherwise get yourself into lots of crazy situations, you never cry. You never seem heartbroken by any event that you go through.

Cat has acquired such a feral temperament that I have not been able to pin you down to a typical diet, such as to feed you nuts, fruits, vegetables, etc. That would be cruel to me. You know that, so you never actually eat anything that I am supposed to feed you. In fact, since you’ve developed such a fantastic diet, a little more than a month ago you have only eaten chicken bones. So it must be a weird diet for you. I have only seen cat consume chicken bones, as opposed to treats and the like.

This is the source of my problem with you. People tell me all the time that cats eat after their parents die, or they get mauled by other cats or coyotes, or eaten by rats and snakes. The common explanation is: Cats eat whatever they want to eat. But cats don’t have a clue what they are actually supposed to eat. Why would they, if they were “getting big” in their “little old” years? And if the primary purpose of a diet is to extend life, shouldn’t one also have reasons to think about feeding a mature cat? I have never, ever heard of any age-appropriate setting that cat would be happy to consume protein, at least not as far as cats like to eat protein. That’s not just cruel to cats — it’s cruel to eat to extend life.

That’s why I feel that what you are doing is cruel. So I have tried to tell you that for the last week, you have been horrible people, which only made it worse. But I am now worried that you are simply too dumb to know that. So I am asking for your cooperation.

I want you to take up a diet that is reasonable. The easiest one I can imagine would be a diet that uses vegetables, that adds milk and grains to keep you supple, but otherwise treats you pretty carefully. (You really don’t want your muscles to get weak in your young years, in case any male feline has done me wrong and dragged you back from all this.) Of course, that could have serious downsides, since there would be no hint of choice in the choices you face, but I see no reason why you have to suffer through that, regardless of how much you also deny yourself the joy of being cat.

So I propose that you begin eating three chicken bones a day (providing you are not underfed). I’m not sure how you will know how much more you should be eating, since it’s unclear to me what you are supposed to eat anyway. Maybe you’ll start off with three bones and add to your diet. But just do it and eat it.

I also propose that you discontinue your habit of trying to hold my hand so that you can see the flesh when you eat. This is not a nicety. That’s clearly a habit that exists for some unclear reason, and it’s really not the way to treat a 50-pound strong-willed cat.

I have considered many reasons for my behavior, many of which even I can’t quite fathom. Some of them may be explanations of why you don’t seem to be seeing the pain that I feel, and why I have sought you out, but I suspect that you haven’t learned about me at all. You see me, you are a cat of peace and lots of love and your voice is so tiny that you probably can’t even hear me speaking.

Nevertheless, you can’t go on hurting me, and I hope that you will finally learn to behave yourself. You are our cat and this