As a software engineer with ADHD (and maybe something else in addition to ADHD), it's almost scary how much of this is relatable.

In a time of crisis, such as a last minute deliverable or an outage, I am probably the most productive engineer in my company. I churn out code like a machine, ruthlessly prioritize, scour our graphs and analytics tables for insight into what's causing the issues, and generally absolutely crush everything put in front of me. Diving into the analytical side has produced significant business wins in terms of identifying problems and implementing solutions that solved complex and hitherto undiscovered business problems to the tune of tens of millions of dollars.

But as soon as the crisis is over, a switch flips, and I can no longer sustain productivity. I have a bit of code I'm working on to improve a certain large download feature. I know all of what I need to write. I know every file by heart, how everything fits together, all relevant third-party and internal APIs, and how I would implement this optimally, including some fancy lazy evaluation and ringbuffer tricks that will make the whole flow more efficient.

But I find it very hard to keep contributing to it. It's just uninteresting once solved. On top of that, I work in an open-plan office and thus have the silence punctured by load conversation, video meetings that some folks have at their desks, and the visual distraction of people walking around. Unfortunately I have a mini-cafe and a restroom nearby, meaning my eyes have many people to track.

On top of this, office politics are difficult for me. Before I started taking medication, I really couldn't pay attention in meetings or interviews. Same for many conversations. This tends to be interpreted as indifference or disinterest. I often want to pay attention but just can't. I hate the protocol where I have to add a bunch of "thank yous" and "pleases" and a bunch of flowery language around emails and other communication rather than getting straight to the point. HR is not a fan of direct language.

This leads into the emotional aspects of ADHD. I feel as though emotions can be stronger for me than for the average person, especially negative emotions such as anger. Pretty much my entire life, from childhood until now, I've been told to calm down, think things through a bit more, and not act so rashly.

As a result, despite having a good track record due to some aforementioned business wins (better than everyone in my org), I tend to alienate leadership and am considered somewhat "unmanageable." I was put up for staff and rejected because, sure, you found some cool things, but can you lead a team for 6 months?

Vyvanse has helped. I no longer get up from my desk an infinite number of times, and my tendency to start a bunch of 20% projects that each need 100% of my time has drastically reduced. I feel as though maybe 30 is closer to my mental age.

There is apparently a correlation between ADHD and other issues. I've taken non-diagnostic tests for some form of high functioning autism and tested fairly highly. Some of my family members clearly have issues, e.g. my younger brother runs away and hides during social circumstances sometimes to recharge and has trouble making eye contact, as does an uncle of mine. Finding the truth of the autism issue at it applies to me is the next phase of my journey.

All in all, it's an interesting situation to be in. You're smart enough to recognize that you're broken in various ways and will forever know that, despite your best efforts, you have significant challenges that will make it difficult to fulfill your potential. But no one can see these issues.