> If you could have the resume you want, what would it say?

It's hard to outdo some historical ones:

Great king, strong king, king of the world, king of Assyria, king of the four quarters (of the world), capable shepherd, favorite of the great gods, guardian of truth who loves justice, renders assistance, goes to the aid of the weak, (and) strives after good deeds, perfect man, virile warrior, foremost of all rulers, the bridle that controls the insubmissive, (and) the one who strikes enemies with lightning.

The god Aššur, the great mountain, granted to me unrivalled sovereignty and made my weapons greater than (those of) all who sit on (royal) daises. He made all of the black-headed (people) from the Upper Sea of the Setting Sun to the Lower Sea of the Rising Sun bow down at my feet. Thus did recalcitrant rulers come to fear battle with me. While they were abandoning their settlements, they flew away alone like bats (living) in crevices to inaccessible place(s).

On my first campaign, I brought about the defeat of Marduk-apla-iddina (II) (Merodach-baladan), king of Karduniaš (Babylonia), together with the troops of (the land) Elam, his allies, in the plain of Kish. In the midst of that battle he abandoned his camp, fled alone, and (thereby) saved his life. I seized the chariots, horses, wagons, (and) mules that he had abandoned in the thick of battle.

I joyfully entered his palace, which is in Babylon, then I opened his treasury and brought out gold, silver, gold (and) silver utensils, precious stones, all kinds of possessions (and) property without number, a substantial tribute, (together with) his palace women, courtiers, attendants, male singers, female singers, all of the craftsmen, as many as there were, (and) his palace attendants, and I counted (them) as booty.

With the strength of the god Aššur, my lord, I surrounded, conquered, (and) plundered 75 of his fortified cities, fortresses of Chaldea, and 420 small(er) settlements in their environs. (i 45) I brought out the auxiliary forces of the Arameans (and) Chaldeans who were in Uruk, Nippur, Kish, Ḫursagkalama, Cutha, (and) Sippar, together with the guilty citizens, and I counted (them) as booty.

I made that city Bīt-Kilamzaḫ a fortress again (and) I strengthened its walls more than before, then I settled therein the people of the lands that I had conquered. I brought down from the mountains the people of the land of the Kassites and the land of the Yasubigallians who had fled from my weapons and I made (them) dwell in the cities Ḫardišpu (and) Bīt-Kubatti. I placed them under the authority of a eunuch of mine, the governor of the city Arrapḫa. I had a stele made, had all the victorious conquests that I achieved over them written on it, and I erected (it) in (that) city.

From the booty of those lands that I had plundered, I conscripted 30,000 archers (and) 20,000 shield bearers and added (them) to my royal contingent. I divided up the rest of the substantial enemy booty like sheep and goats among my entire camp and my governors, (and) the people of my great cult centers.

I built palatial halls of gold, silver, bronze, ...-stone, breccia, alabaster, elephant ivory, ebony, boxwood, musukkannu-wood, cedar, cypress, juniper, elammaku-wood, (and) Indian wood, for my lordly residence, then I had a house with double doors, a replica of a Hittite palace, opposite (its) gates, constructed.

Since time immemorial, the kings, my ancestors, created copper statues, replicas of their (own) forms, to be erected in temples, and through their manufacture they had exhausted all of the craftsmen. Through ignorance (and) failure to give thought on the matter, they depleted the oil, wax, (and) wool in their lands for the work they desired.

(But) as for me, the foremost of all rulers, expert in every type of work, regarding large columns of copper (and) striding lion colossi, which none of the kings of the past (who came) before me had cast: with the ingenious mind that the prince, the god Ninšiku, had granted to me (and) taking counsel with myself, I intensively pondered how to perform this work. Then, with my (own) ideas and knowledge, I created a cast work of copper and expertly carried out its artful execution.

I made bull colossi with copper features, two of which were overlaid with zaḫalû-silver, (and) bull colossi of alabaster, together with bull colossi and sphinxes of white limestone, hold the door bolts of my palatial halls.

Sphinxes of alabaster, as well as sphinxes of cast urudû-copper that were overlaid with zaḫalû-silver, and sphinxes of cast ...-metal, whose features were brilliant: I erected over them columns of ebony, cypress, cedar, daprānu-juniper, juniper, and Indian wood, with pašallu-gold and silver inlays, then I positioned the architraves of the inner rooms of my lordly residence (on those columns).

I surrounded their (the palace rooms’) lower courses with slabs of breccia (and) alabaster, and large limestone slabs (and) made (them) an object of wonder.

I made those palatial halls beautiful. To be an object of wonder for all of the people, I raised the superstructure of the entire palace. I called it “The Palace Without a Rival.”

I laid the foundation of Nineveh's great wall, Badnigalbilukurašušu, (which means) “Wall Whose Brilliance Overwhelms Enemies,” upon limestone and made (it) 40 bricks thick. I raised its superstructure 180 courses of brick high.

I enlarged the site of Nineveh, my capital city. I broadened its squares, making (them) as bright as day. I had an inner (and) outer wall built and I raised (them) as high as mountain(s). I had gardens cultivated upstream and downstream of the city. I gathered in them fruit trees of the mountains and of all lands (and) every type of aromatic tree of the land Ḫatti. On newly tilled soil, which is beside the game preserve, I planted in great number all (types) of mountain vine, every type of fruit tree from all over the world, (including) spice and olive trees.

The Ḫusur River, whose waters since time immemorial had been deep and which none of the kings, my ancestors, had confined (i.e., made its water flow through a canal) so that they (the waters of the Ḫusur) poured into the Tigris River: to make (those) planted areas luxuriant, I dug with picks a canal straight through high ground (and) low ground, from the border of the city Kisiru. (Thus) I provided a regular supply of those waters to the plain of Nineveh and I made (them) gush through small canals into those gardens.

I mounted an expedition to search for water at the foot of Mount Muṣri, then I climbed high and marched with difficulty to the city Elmunaqinnû. I found sources of water in front of the cities Dūr-Ištar, Šibaniba, and Sulu, then I made their narrow openings bigger and turned (them) into springs. For a course for those waters, I cut through rugged mountains, confined areas, with picks and directed their outflow into the plain of Nineveh. I strengthened their channels like the base of a mountain. I provided a regular supply of those waters in them. (Thus) I forever added (them) as an addition to the waters of the Ḫusur River.

In summer, I enabled all of the orchards to be irrigated. In winter, I annually had water provided to 1,000 seeded fields in the plains upstream and downstream of the city. I created a marsh to moderate the flow of those waters and planted a canebrake in it. I let loose in it herons, wild boars (lit. “pigs of the reeds”), (and) roe deer. By divine will, vines, all kinds of fruit trees, olive trees, (and) aromatic trees flourished greatly in (those) gardens (planted) on newly tilled soil. Cypress trees, musukkannu-trees, (and) all kinds of trees grew tall and sent out shoots. The marshes thrived greatly. Birds of the heavens, heron(s) whose home(s) are far away, made nest(s) and wild boars (and) roe deer gave birth in abundance.

In the future, may one of the kings, my descendants, whom the god Aššur names for shepherding the land and people, renovate its dilapidated section(s) when that wall becomes old and dilapidated. May he find an inscribed object bearing my name, anoint (it) with oil, make an offering, (and) return (it) to its place. The god Aššur and the goddess Ištar will (then) hear his prayers.