(Warning: I have hardly slept. A family member is dying. I will likely regret this post. It seemed like a good idea at the time -- or at least a better idea than wallowing in self pity.)

Do I think I am a genius? No. But I have been repeatedly told that I "stand out" from the crowd even when the crowd is pretty bright (which usually feels to me like I stick out like a sore thumb :-/ ). Do I think in a way that is different from the average person? Absolutely -- I think this is clear by the rampant degree to which I am routinely misunderstood and the fact that I and my son are getting well when doctors and most of the world say it cannot be done.

Is this 'miracle cure' due to genius? I don't happen to think so. It is mostly due to a unique set of circumstances and my ability to recognize the opportunity it represented, combined with a fairly high degree of social insight which allowed me to side step group-think and other social traps. I have a relatively mild form of a condition that is quite deadly, and so does my oldest son. I was diagnosed late in life, not long before the age at which most people die from the more traditionally recognized form of the condition. The late diagnosis meant that I had been thinking about my health issues and coping with them for a very long time before being given a label for it. So when that label came, I was reluctant to accept the definitions, assumptions, preconceived notions, psychological baggage and raft of general mental and emotional crapola that such labels typically come with.

I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The journey of recovery for that issue prepared me for asking the hard, socially unacceptable questions that were needed for me to get well, first psychologically and later physically. (After spending years telling a couple of different therapists, who also happened to be ministers, every dirty thing ever done to me and every nasty thing I ever felt, the negative reactions that swirl around my shocking views of health issues are hardly worth raising an eyebrow over.) At the age of 45, I am at a place where I feel that this earlier psychological journey of healing was a gift to me -- a unique and highly valuable opportunity for thinking through problems which are "unthinkable" and "unspeakable" but which I had no choice but to think on and speak on in order to survive (I attempted suicide at age 17 and would likely have self-destructed in some manner if I had not dealt with these issues).

I was also a homemaker for a long time in an era and culture where that is very strange and I homeschooled my twice exceptional (gifted and learning disabled) sons. I think every single thing I have done has reinforced my ability to walk my own path and resist following the crowd in spite of often enormous pressure from one crowd or another. Not getting sucked into group-think is the most valuable skill I have and probably the most offensive thing I do, socially. Einstein said something like "You cannot solve a problem from the same level of consciousness that created it." It is clear to me that the definitions and view of the health problem I have are part of the problem. In some ways, I find it baffling that my attempts to share a different view are so shocking and offensive to other people -- people who clearly know that the status quo is not working yet cling to the thinking of the status quo like a security blanket. I don't know how to help such people and attempting to do so puts me in a position of being a target of ugliness. I don't believe martyring myself is any way to put more good into the world. I believe it only teaches people that "good" people must martyr themselves and anyone who doesn't is "bad", or something along those lines. The general tendency for people to force individuals into roles of "good" or "bad" is the root of many problems. I would rather walk away entirely than contribute to reinforcement of this paradigm. I often wonder if I should, in a sense, go into "hiding" -- stop posting under any names I am known by online and start some new website that no one would expect and go live the "normal life" I desperately wanted for so long and am now getting well enough to try to pursue.

I don't have an answer to that last conundrum, perhaps more proof positive that I am not a genius. Sometimes, knowing the right questions to ask is more important than having an answer. That approach has taken me pretty far, so I see no reason to abandon it at this late stage in the game.

"Be careful what you wish for". Had you asked this question on some other day, I likely would not have replied. :-P But there is a tiny piece of my own inner monologue, FWIW.