A lot of this resonates with me (new city, kids, wanting to quit but can't). It is a really tough spot. Especially having to suck it up all day at work and then finding it hard to unwind at night.

By the way, aren't the kids asleep at some point? Can you get some alone time then? This can be a spiraling place too, by the way (alone at night) but handled constructively can be a place to recharge.

Also, I'd echo everyone who says make improving your relationship top priority and to consider therapy.

I'm not out of the woods yet but things have gotten a litte bit better for me last six months or so:

-Took the mindset, "I'm going to take a year just to be less intense about work and improve my health and well being outside of work and tip the life-work balance much more toward 'life'. A year of just healing and self focused improvement." When I was younger everything was about drive and going above and beyond at work. I decided to just turn inward for a while and let that go. I realized I had had kids, moved, and never rebuilt my self care routines. Or any routines, really, except for some unhealthy ones.

-Stopped drinking at home at night after everyone went to sleep. This was hurting my sleep (I stay up later when I drink), my health generally (eating lot of crap due to booze, missing morning workouts), my attitude at work (due to lack of sleep, being hungover). I am reasonably sure I am not an alcoholic; quitting was somewhat surprisingly not a struggle — but I was definitely using alcohol as an escape and crutch and just bad habit.

-With my wife on board, carved out time, and more importantly personal dedication to, working out 3x week. For me it's a group exercise class I really like but I also enjoy running and would do that if I didn't have the group stuff. This helped my mood a lot, although you need to watch for exhaustion issues, especially when you first start exercising. (I had been working out roughly 1x/week for couple years then 2x week for couple months before I went to 3x.)

-At work, focused on putting one foot in front of the other — picked my battles, stopped trying to "save" the company from bad patterns, narrowed my job focus as much as I could, avoided speaking up in meetings on things that didn't directly concern me as often as I could bite my tongue. Tried to honestly assess where I have room to improve and things to learn (even if there is institutional dysfunction/injustice in my way). This made work less about misery and discontent and more about an opportunity to grow.

All this has helped give me more patience and energy with my kids and spouse. I am not perfect (I still can be defensive and snippy) but it's improved a ton from when I was maximally stressed and feeling powerless and stuck. And I find as my mindset has changes, and with help from workout endorphins and more sleep, I am more appreciative of how great my kids and wife are. (I always knew this and often expressed it but now I'm wasting less time feeling tired, angry and distracted on weekends about work crap, etc.)

Hang in there, it will get better.

(Also how old are your kids? are you getting sleep? The sleep situation improves a lot every year for the first several years!)