> Depression is an extremely narcissistic condition, being stuck in your mind with countless loops of thoughts about you that are unrealistically negative.

I’m sure there’s some appropriate label for this behavior, but “depression” isn’t (I say this as someone who has been diagnosed with chronic episodes of depression).

To cut through any biases, let me relate something analogous from my life, as an alternative to speaking directly about depression itself (while hopefully conveying the same underlying lack of agency in my predicimate).

Two years ago, I started feeling off. Not emotionally, but physically and cognitively. My drive (both platonic and sexual) started diminishing (but nothing catastrophic - at first). I had several labs done at the time to assess my health (basic CBC and various hormones) to keep tabs on what was going on in my body. Things quickly turned bad. Within weeks I found myself shivering and sweating puddles, throbbing pain radiating throughout my body. The lymph nodes located in my groin swelled so much as to not only be palpable, but protruding from under my skin at about the size of ping pong balls, like little mole hills.

The fever went away about a week or two later; however, for months I was incredibly prone to motion sickness and daylight would give me intense headaches. From then - and to this day - I went from being a model of fitness to being a broken run down person. Previously, I had had boundless energy, and I saw beauty in everything - like some wild eyed child experiencing all the little joys of the world for the first time. On top of that, I had a sexual appetite that was of such comically high proportion that my friends would tease me relentlessly.

It’s two years since that fever. My liver enzymes are chronically elevated many, many times outside of the reference range. My testosterone, leutenizing hormone (and several others) have plummeted by 30-40%. Most days my body is stiff, inflamed and I ache from head to toe. I’m often spacey, like I’m mentally walking through a thick fog - cognitively, I’m a shell of my former self. Walking up stairs is often a monumental effort. My sex drive went from being so high that it posed logistical problems, to zero drive - or worse, really - without the drive/desire, sex is really just messy and tiresome.

The doctors I’ve seen agree that I unoquivically have some real health issue, as evident in my labs and many, many follow ups, but no one can tell me why things are wrong, nor how to fix me.

I didn’t choose to be broken. I didn’t choose to lose my sex life. I didn’t choose to be constantly fatigued. I didn’t choose to loose my bouncy energetic personality that I was known for. This is all despite my attitude being solid. I have a great job, an awesome caring girlfriend, a supportive family, I live in a fantastic city (Brooklyn) with tons of awesome stuff going on. And yet I feel emotionally numb (not depressed - as I’ve been told by a professional); I just don’t feel stimulated by the same things I used to. Not that I think any less of those things.

I’d recommend you be a little more careful with your use of the word depression. You can’t reduce it to “whiny self loathing” (though that’s certainly a thing for some people, but again, that’s not what depression means). Some people are, of no fault of their own, unhealthy. For some it may be something that’s easily relatable because it shows up in, say, a scan (e.g. cancer), and for others it might be that they physiologically can not experience the same positive emotions that you would given the same stimulus.

(Typing from phone... sorry if any of this is mistyped or shittily written.)