The journey has been more personal rather than professional, but felt inclined to share since I've been thinking about it a lot the past few days. It's probably not the biggest comeback facing huge obstacles, but it's important to me. Being a minority and growing up in a state with pretty low diversity, I always struggled with my identity and who I was. Looking back at my life, I see the signs of depression starting around when I was in college, but never really thought much about it. "I" couldn't be depressed, after all, it was always those middle aged guys whose lives were a mess, right?

I moved to Texas, alone, starting my new career with a freshly minted CS degree from a good university. Around 2009, economy was still recovering, couldn't find a job anywhere else. I never thought I'd end up in TX, but the oil economy and the growing healthcare industries made it easy to get a job... I jumped at the first offer I got after 4 months of looking and doing freelancing to pay bills.

It was strange, being surrounded by a lively city and people, but feeling so disconnected from everyone and everything around you. Met an awesome girl at a wedding, fell in love, and had some family I'd visit every month or so with nieces who adored me. Probably the only two things good in my life, everything else just seemed like a rut.

Moved into long distance relationship, started working my ass off at a new company, and my life just slipped away. Fell into a deep depression (never diagnosed, but I can see it looking back now). Girl eventually called it off, because of cultural differences even though we were in love, which was a blessing in disguise. Got screwed over at work, and ended up leaving and I guess that was 'rock-bottom'. I didn't have anything really left in my life that made sense.

The strange thing is while going through it, I never thought I was depressed. I remember interviewing at a company, feeling pretty good about things, but walking along the parking garages on the 10th story, standing at the ledge and thinking if I should jump head first or foot first. And then I realized that they weren't just thoughts, but impulses. I think there were a dozen more different instances, where I was putting myself in unnecessary risk just to feel alive, and maybe die. "I" didn't want to live with "myself" anymore, whatever that meant.

Ended up a really bad case of bronchitis and a dry cough, and had a new job at this point (same job I almost threw myself off the parking garage, right after the interview.. wtf, brain). Had a really good supervisor, told me to take the day off and got the urgent care. Ended up getting a big ol bottle of Tussionex (Hydrocodone).

So drugs are bad, right? Yeah, they are. But I learned something valuable after taking way more than I should -- I realized that within me, I could still be happy. For the first time in years, after feeling disconnected and alone, I felt alive and happy. Sure, it was the drugs, but it was a liberating feeling. I finished that bottle quickly, and crashed a little and felt like shit afterwards... but my perspective changed. I knew it was possible for me to be happy. And I knew that hydrocodone and drinking lean (I was in Texas after all, where Lean originates from) was not who I wanted to be. I had the foresight to cut that shit out of my life, and never have taken it again.

Around that time (2012), still depressed and struggling with identity, I think it was on HN or Reddit, I heard about books that changed people's lives, and on a whim, I read the "Power of Now". The author goes through the exact same thing that I described, where he struggles with the "I" not being able to live with "myself". It really changed my perspective. I took some time off work, and went back to the Rockies where I was from. Spent some time hiking, and just picking a direction and walking through long ass trails, completely unprepared with just a few water bottles and energy bars. The strange thing is that when I was lost in middle of wilderness, that's when I found myself.

I came back to Houston and begin a spiritual journey, really mediating and reconnecting with my faith. I know that religion and faith doesn't get too much love on the internet, but I didn't feel alone anymore. I had found myself, and didn't need anything or anyone else. It's a feeling that's impossible to put into words, because it transcends language, and must be felt to be realized. I met new friends, and started smoking weed occasionally, which was probably the final thing that really helped me get out of the rut, and start building my life.

I really pushed myself, got a better job, met and married my lovely wife, worked on my own startup and consulting for a year, and now working at another startup. Sure, I may not be the best coder or hacker, but I feel life again in what I do -- it's a relieving feeling to push myself every day, knowing that it's not about what we accomplish it, but how we accomplish it. My job isn't glamorous, but I'm content with where I'm at. Contentment is more of a compass and direction guide, not a destination.

To anyone struggling with any difficulty and depression, know that you have the strength within yourself to overcome and persevere. And don't be like me and deal with this alone, seek help from others even if it's commenting online in some random forum.