Good question, and useful timing. Tonight's a worse night than usual for me.

As a survivor, I'm pretty much living with these things all the time. I find it hard to believe that I'm able to be safe. I cope ironically through how my suicidal thoughts manifest. For me, they are normally about self-destruction and obliteration, not death, and that's pretty hard to do yourself.

Suicidal thoughts are not the whole story, though. It's easy to focus on the big dramatics, and ignore the greater effects. I persistantly have trouble sleeping, and depression and self-loathing have consistantly been a barrier for me. If it were not for my problems, I would have certainly got much more than a pass degree. I'm not coding as much as I would like, as I spend a lot of my free time managing my headspace rather than my passions.

Something that helps when in better moods is to remember, though, that I have got a degree. And I worked part time during university, too. I had to act as carer to my ex during that. I ran some pretty amazing student societies, and have done some big things. And now I'm a manager in a huge IT company, working on some impressive things. I'm learning to drive pretty fast. And I'm a trans woman.

You see, it's not as simple as saying "go see a shrink". I can't go to the NHS with my problems, as if I were to tell them that I see things (hence the throwaway account name), medical assistance for trans matters would be threatened. Drugs too are not great, for two reasons - they don't work, and they don't mix well with reality issues.

I hope to be able to afford private counselling soon, as this isn't that much fun. But I am functional at the moment, and I have amazing friends and family.

The biggest problem? That these issues just are not talked about. The media says that it's only "crazy people" who see things, people who stab others and get locked up, or people who can't work and function in the real world at all. Yet I'm sure there are many more just like me, who like me sit at work, being productive, all the whilst being convinced that they are being physically attacked. I'm having to use a throwaway, as I'm only 26, and have one hell of a distinctive name. We can't talk about this sort of stuff, and this stigma makes it worse.

So sometimes, to help with the thoughts, I write about them and share my experiences with others.

Other things I have found to help:
* Stop drinking. Drinking makes me extremely depressive normally.

* Call amazing friends. I've got friends that are happy spending hours on the phone just making silly noises at me. It's extremely reassuring, and they have ordered (this is useful!) me to call them anytime I want or need. When I don't touch base with close friends and family regularly, my headspace tends to get even darker.

* Safe company. The useful thing about being in a number of minority groups is the easy access to a number of safe spaces and people. Even if I don't talk about these things with them, getting into an LGBT space, or a furmeet lets me feel amongst people who understand. And perhaps, now hackernews might be added ;)

* Comfort food. Chocolate, ice cream and cake, need I say more? :P

* Exercise. Damn I need to get out more, I love running and it feels amazing. And the fact that I can walk five miles in 70 minutes is something I should be more proud of!

* Eat right. Skipping meals really doesn't help at all, and I get grouchy without a balanced diet.

* Do something stimulating but not stressful. Having a new exciting thing to work on keeps me pleased for days - and better still, my bosses have noticed this!

(email: demonwatch(at)hushmail.com)