I am convinced there are times I could have been diagnosed as schizophrenic or schizoaffective. Certainly I've experienced psychosis. When I was in my early 20s, I smoked nasty weed (not enough CBD) in blunts, cause that's what my friends did and I didn't have the humility yet to accept my own limits. I gradually developed a very heightened sense of my own inner voice(s), and also became intensely paranoid of certain symbols, which I would subconsciously check for everywhere, while consciously they seemed to pop up all over the place, as if by fate or chance. I knew things were getting out of hand, as my "inner critic" would sometimes feel alien and beyond my control. It would speak loud and clear, ruthlessly. I started to feel very split. Somehow, I managed to cool it on the blunts and took a step back from my regular friends to focus on school. I'm grateful that I had this insight and was able to find the humility to let myself have moderation. That humility did not come from the inner critic. It came from a small, incredibly gentle voice that I rarely noticed at the time. It said "you don't have to smoke, don't worry, its alright not to."

Now all along I was able to recognize and hold onto the idea that these were "my voices," and I trusted in that. I'm so grateful that even in the turmoil (e.g. anxiety/panic attacks) I never fully repressed or made enemies of these experiences, I never fully dissociated. I never let myself dis-identify with even the scariest voices. I was lucky too that nobody ever brought me in for diagnosis. Looking back, I think that could have triggered a full blown break, complete with dependence on powerful psychiatric drugs.

Thankfully, I let myself stop smoking weed, other than very cautiously/irregularly, for years, and very rarely smoke to this day. One thing I've realized is that my immune system can't stand the smoke. I basically get an allergic response, throat swelling, etc. In my pride, I had ignored that.

Since then, I've also had very healing and grounding experiences with the right kind of weed. I know now that the mixtures of cannabinoids are critically important, as is dose and intake method, and last but not least the setting and company you're with. But back then, in the dark fog of prohibition, I had no idea what I was smoking, and exposed myself to energies and people I didn't "vibe with". Its frankly dangerous and absurd that weed is federally scheduled rather than regulated and understood.

And as for my mental health, it took a long time to reintegrate the sensitivities I developed in this time. More recently I finally got some good therapy to work through stuff. A rough relationship triggered the need for it. I found a gestalt therapist who specialized in working with artists and creative types. She just about refused to diagnose me with anything. Instead, she helped me affirm and recognize my own inner sensitivities, perspectives and myths as tools for self-cultivating good mental health. She carefully affirmed that my inner symbolic perspectives and experiences need not be seen as illnesses to be abolished, that I should instead retool them as indicators for self understanding and realization, and as sources to be channeled creatively. I recognized in this time things I was already doing to ground myself when life got overwhelming. For me it's piano, hiking, jogging, chamomile/lavender/holy basil tea, writing, and if I need to talk, finding someone who listens without judgement or fear.

I am so glad to have made it through to my 30s with my psychological freedom intact. Others are not so fortunate.