> It takes maybe ten to fifteen minutes to drive to me from the last passenger, since it only is designed to head back to dispatch every so often.

What makes you say that? The median wait time for an Uber in many cities these days is [around 3 minutes][1]. Were self-driving cars to become widespread, I imagine that time would be significantly reduced due to a drastically higher density of available cars. (Instead of just a few Ubers, imagine if nearly every car on the road could potentially come pick you up.)

> The car reeks of weed, because why not light up a bud? It's not like they can arrest you or anything. I punch in a complaint on the app.

Plausible. Passengers who do that though would most likely get fined the same way you would if you tried that in a rental car, so I don't imagine it'll be widespread. And if you prefer you can always summon another car. Should be there in another 60 seconds or so, if not less. The weed-scented car will head back to dispatch for cleaning so none of its future passengers have to deal with the smell.

> We get to the mall. I shop, and summon a car. This time it takes a little less, maybe five to ten minutes, because the mall is closer to dispatch or a place where a lot of cars get dumped off.

Probably more like seconds because there would be 5 or so cars already waiting in the parking lot for shoppers who might want to leave soon. In fact, it might even be faster than having your own car in this case since the self-driving car can pull right up to the mall exit to pick you up.

> I have to hit the emergency button, and reroute back to my house.

No emergency button necessary, the app lets you change your destination in-flight. Actually, you might even just be able to call out "okay Google, take me home" and the car will hear you and reroute.

> When we get home, I have to hit another button to "rent" the car another period so I can clean it

Well, no. You just report a mess in the car and it drives back to dispatch for cleaning. A bit expensive for you due to cleaning fees sure, but necessary to ensure the car is clean for other passengers, and as a bonus you don't have to clean up the vomit yourself. Hopefully this isn't a regular occurrence for you.

> I now need to go back out to get medicine, but five minutes by car is 30-45 min by walking. So it's another 15 minutes to get a car.

Again, probably 3 at most. More likely under a minute.

> Hell, it could show up at my door full of shit, semen, and vomit, because some homeless guy is using it as his own personal hangout to sleep in.

Again, probably a pretty rare occurrence, and if it does occur all that means is another minute or so of waiting for another car to show up.

> Or it could take even longer because I need to rent a driverless suv so I can bring furniture home to me, and those are relatively rare and command a premium to rent.

SUVs aren't nearly that rare on today's streets. In a driverless car future they might be somewhat more rare because people will only request them when they need the extra trunk space, but even then it's hard to imagine the wait time being more than 10 minutes in even a small city. If you're requesting one from the furniture store it might even show up in seconds (because lots of people coming from that location want SUVs, so a computer algorithm has arranged to have several nearby at all times). If not, you can always schedule a pick up a few minutes in advance to make sure the car is there waiting for you by the time you get out of the store.

[1]: http://www.newsweek.com/exclusive-heres-how-long-it-takes-ge...