> After a decade of marriage, if things go well, you don’t need any more proof. What you have instead — and what I would argue is the most deeply romantic thing of all — is this palpable, reassuring sense that it’s okay to be a human being. Because until you feel absolutely sure that you won’t eventually be abandoned, it’s maybe not 100 percent clear that any other human mortal can tolerate another human mortal. The smells. The sounds. The repetitive fixations on the same dumb shit, over and over. Even as you develop a kind of a resigned glaze of oh, this again in, say, marital years one through five, you also feel faintly unnerved by your own terrible mortal humanness.

Marriage, yawn. No. Marriage is not the factor. The factor is the moment you consider each other 'together'. In 2017, the decision of wether you are together or not is not anymore 'marriage'. That hegemony, as dictated by [Christian] religion, is gone.

Also, what is being described doesn't necessarily take 10 years of marriage. From what I gathered you're (madly) in love for max 2 years, and then (right before those 2 years are passed) the hormones produced and amounts of them change in amount and it becomes a different kind of love. A caring kind of love. With sometimes references, filled with nostalgia, to those first 2 years. I would describe it as 2 years of wild fun, and then that forms the basis of getting the thing to work between the two of you.

Also, the following specific statement:

> Because until you feel absolutely sure that you won’t eventually be abandoned

Is interesting because people are going to die eventually. There are 4 possibilities here: 1) Your significant other dies first 2) You die before your significant other does 3) You die together 4) You split up (called divorce in case of marriage) before one of you or the both of you die. Of note here to #1 and #2 is that women on average live longer. Of note of #3 is that this is highly unlikely, but it does happen, usually in the form of accidents.

Why is this relevant? Because apart of option #3 (which is very rare) there's going to be a time where you are alone once more. You don't know the details about this beforehand. For example, you don't know who is going to live alone. You don't know when this is going to happen. You don't know how you are going to die, or how your partner is going to die. Because of this its not concrete, and hence ignored.

It does however mean that you can never feel absolutely sure that you won’t eventually be abandoned which contradicts the quoted sentence.

I'm aware of a different theory. A relationship (and a friendship) is a balance of plus and minus. There are things you like about each other, and there are things you don't like about each other. The good is a long list. The bad are things you can handle. If something happens which you want to put on the bad list, you need to make it up with things on the good list. From what I read, it has to be 10:1. For some people the fuel is gone, and they part ways while for others they feel so sure the balance is good they realise they're not going to part by force of incompatibility.

Meanwhile, you get those references of nostalgia which retrigger the hormones from the first two years.